Please excuse the ultra-down post today.

Sometimes, I miss my old self. By old self, I mean the person I was before adding “mom” to my title.

There are some things that haven’t changed. I still like the music I liked before, only now I get to hear it between Wiggles songs. Luckily, Cordy doesn’t mind listening to Evanescence – she always kicked and jammed along when I was pregnant. She isn’t as forgiving with showtunes.

I still have the same taste in movies. Nothing there has changed, although we don’t get the chance to go see movies nearly as often. Going out to a movie is a real treat now.

But I miss some of my old personality. I took more risks back then. I had more of a “don’t give a shit” attitude. I certainly wasn’t punk by any means, but I had attitude. I had a temper, too, and while it’s nothing to be proud of, I did use it to keep from being pushed around. I’m so mellow now I’m nearly dead. I look at the bright side – I’m now much more zen – but truthfully I think I just don’t care as much about issues that used to rile me up. I am the Queen of Blase.

I really miss my old body. I’ve battled my weight throughout my 20′s, and by my mid-20′s, I had made significant progress. By the time of my wedding, I was looking pretty hot. Still nowhere close to model status, but I was fit, I looked good, and I felt good. My hair was often dyed a dark red, I wore tiny shirts from Hot Topic, and enjoyed dressing up to go out to a goth dance club.

Pregnancy is not kind on the body. Not only does it stretch it to extremes and test the limits of joints and muscles, it also screws with body chemistry. My hair has changed from dry and prone to split ends to oily and flat. The color has darkened. While I have no qualms with my stretch marks, I’d really like to see the extra weight take a hike. I gained only 20 pounds during pregnancy, and most of that only at the end, but that 20 pounds decided to stick around afterwards and set up residence. I’m about as far from sexy as “Big Mama.”

I actually eat healthier than I used to, but thanks to metabolism changes, the damn weight won’t go away. I know I should exercise more and eat less, but it’s not as easy as it once was. I barely have any time to myself, thanks to my leg hugging toddler who won’t let me more than 5 feet from her. By the evening, I just want to collapse onto the couch in exhaustion. I’m so out of shape I don’t know how I could even start exercising again – I’d probably collapse.

I feel soft and squishy, and not in a good way. I want to find some of what I used to have. I’m not wanting to go back to who I was entirely (because I really do love being a mom), but I’d like to extract a little bit of the old me and put it to use with the new me. I don’t like being soft and squishy. I feel like I’m a step away from floral mumus, flip-flops, and t-shirts with my daughter’s picture silk screened on them. I wonder how Aaron is even attracted to me.

This isn’t the most cheery post, or the most organized, but I’m not looking for pity. I want to know how do other moms manage to find their old selves inside their new mommy bodies? What do you do to remind yourself that you’re not just a mom? What things do you do, just for yourself?

Give me some tips to help me find the old me.

(Can’t wait to see the Google search hits after this post!)

With the advent of the internet, we have all sorts of information at our fingertips. Weather, news, e-mail, chat, movie times, research, porn. Wait, did I just say porn? Yes, porn. Because, as we all know, the internet is for porn.

(For those who aren’t daring, I’ll let you know that link is a song from Avenue Q, no worries of porn. For those hoping I was linking to porn – shame on you, this is a mommy blog.)

I’m amazed at the amount of porn available, though. It has to be the largest amount of content on the internet. Even innocent searches in Google can lead to porn: searching for my site brings up several “naughty mommy stories” that I don’t even want to investigate.

Now, this isn’t a post debating if porn is OK or not. I’m going to come right out and say that in my opinion, it’s OK. I know that Aaron looks at porn, and I’m generally OK with that. Hell, sometimes when I’m not up for anything, I’d rather he look at porn than bug me. I’ve even looked at porn before, and probably will again in the future.

I’d guess that porn is viewed in many married households, by one or both partners. Maybe even together. I think most porn is harmless – I’m not going to equate reading erotica with cheating. But some porn elements border on “not OK”. My question is, where is the line drawn?

There’s the very harmless nearly-porn category. This includes semi-nude pictures you’d find in Maxim, Stuff, and the Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogs. You can find this nearly anywhere, and there are no “You must be 18 to view this content” buttons to click past.

Next is erotica. No pictures, just stories about sex. To me, this is pretty harmless as well. There is no human element to contend with – the characters are fiction, there are no pictures to match faces to names, and no other people to interact with. As long as the stories don’t involve teenagers (which, since having a daughter, has thoroughly creeped me out), I’m generally OK with erotica.

Nude pictures and video are another step up. There is now a human element – someone has posed for those pictures, or engaged in sex to make the video. Is this OK? To me, it’s still OK. After all, we’ve both viewed porn videos together, and I’m sure he has on his own. Also, I’ll admit that I totally understand why men want to look at naked women: women are just beautiful to look at. The curve of the breasts and hips, the overall softness of the body – it’s far more appealing to view than a naked man. (Sorry guys, it’s true.) And, of course, only consenting adults are OK with us – child pornography or taping someone against their will is just plain wrong. And illegal.

The place where I draw the line is real-time human connection. There are a ton of free and pay webcams out there, where people are willing to do just about anything on them for an audience. There’s also a large community of live web chat – virtual sex. While these are perfectly OK for anyone single, I think these types of porn can be the muddy waters that can land a married person into big trouble. When you’re actually connecting with someone else on the internet for the purposes of turning each other on, you’re forming a relationship with that other person. To me, that’s starting to border on cheating.

Luckily, Aaron and I agree on what’s OK and what’s not, and I don’t see it ever becoming an issue. We know what is safe fantasy, and what’s not.

What about all of you? What are your limits on porn? Where do you draw the line, both for yourself and your partner? I know porn is a sensitive, heated topic for many (and I’m not touching the joke I just thought of after typing that), so I hope we can discuss it without judging anyone else’s responses.

After all, the internet is for porn.

Did you ever notice that fingers and nostrils grow at the same pace? No matter how young, a child can always fit a finger in a nostril.

However, it’s not as easy when it’s an adult finger trying to get a booger out of a toddler nose. All day long I’ve been plagued by a stubborn booger in Cordy’s right nostril. It’s just far enough in that I can’t get it, yet far enough out to taunt me anytime I look at her. It’s driving me mad. I can see it, anyone who looks at her can see it, yet I can’t get it out.

I’m a little obsessive about boogers when I can see them. I don’t want my child walking around looking like no one has the time to keep her nose clean. But in these situations, the boogers stay just out of reach. I can hear the little crusty yellow devils laughing at me.

Trying to teach Cordy to blow her nose has been a failure so far. She just doesn’t get it, and I don’t blame her. She has no idea why I want her to blow air out her nose.

So how do you get a stubborn booger out of a toddler nose?

There’s the ol’ snot sucker: the bulb syringe that every child leaves the hospital with. While it has proved very useful at sucking out wet snot, it’s not as good at dry snot. Not to mention that Cordelia isn’t as compliant as she used to be when it comes to having her nose vacuumed out.

There’s the adult fingernail. Problem is, I have none. As I have mentioned before, my nails are painfully short, and I haven’t made any progress at growing them. Somehow, snot picking is not a good enough motivator for me to grow my nails.

I’ve also tried corners of tissues, twisted into a thin cord to fish out the offending booger. No luck. The tissue doesn’t have the strength.

I think it’s time to invent a new booger catcher.

It needs to be at least soft plastic or rubber, so it doesn’t hurt tender nasal passages. While I’ve considered tweezers before, the hard metal is not something I want to use on a struggling toddler. And toothpicks are right out. Soft plastic would be best.

It should be small enough to fit into a toddler’s nose, but not so small as to go further than it should. I don’t want something that could double as a tool used by Egyptians in mummification or by doctors for sinus surgery.

Finally, it needs a curved hook on the end. Kind of like a cross between a crochet needle and a soup ladle. Only with gentle curves, again, to not hurt the soft tissue in the nose.

If I could make or buy something like that to scoop out defiant boogers, my life would be so much easier. I’d push to have it on the “must-have” baby item lists for new parents.

So, if anyone out there is a baby product marketer – I’ve got a great new product for you! I guarantee it’ll be a best-seller, and none of your competitors will have anything like it!

Gee, wouldn’t that be something to be known for? The inventor of the booger catcher. Eh, who am I kidding? I’d be proud to be known for it!

OK, who’s first in line to get one? Anyone?

This morning:

Me: Cordy, are you ever gonna call me mom, mommy or mama?

Cordy: Noooo

(As an aside, she has only said the word “no” about three times ever. Four if you count the “noooo” she gave Aaron later this morning when he asked her, “Can I have a hug?”)

It won’t be long until she’ll be saying, “OK, lady, I love you! Bye-bye!”

I don’t get it. Isn’t “mama” one of the first words a kid says? She’s got “dadeeeee!” down and uses it often. But I have no name to her. I’m the lady who she shoves her sippy cup at for a drink.

At this point, I wouldn’t even care if she called me “lady”. Am I not deserving of some kind of title from her? Do I not rank up there with “Dadeeee”? The cats have their name (Kiiii!), and she’s even spoken her first non-relative name (Dave – the significant other of my friend and Cordy’s babysitter Lisa). When do I get my label announcing my importance to her?

While sitting here typing, I just asked her, “Cordy, who am I?” and pointed to myself. She responded by laughing at me, then handed me her sippy cup.

Sigh.

Edited to add: I was just reading Sweet Juniper, and Cordy pointed to the picture of Juniper and said “BAbeee!” Damn. Now people on the internet are getting names from her before me.