This post has been bouncing around in my head for days now, and I’ve had to start and stop it many times. The final version is still disjointed, but at the moment I can’t smooth it out any more, so here it is. Others have already covered the topic far more eloquently and better than I can hope to, but I still feel the need to discuss it.
At BlogHer, the mommyblogger presence could not be ignored. I’d say we made up at least half of the attendees. As others have reported, there were a few isolated scuffles between mom and non-mom bloggers (geez, I just realized how West Side Story that sounded), but overall the conference was one big love fest for all. Or, at least, that’s how I saw it, and I could have simply been blind to anything else going on.
Yes, one woman posted a rant about mommybloggers, and it was nothing more than a venom-filled rant. There was no substance, no argument to be made, and looking back I can dismiss it. Also, during the panel with Arianna Huffington, another woman stood up to ask about woman who don’t have kids or significant others, and how they can escape becoming workaholics when their work often becomes their lives. It was a valid question – I think the uneasy feeling came when she said she didn’t have children, and several women burst into applause in support of a non-mommyblogger. The sudden applause caused me some uneasiness, not the question.
But I didn’t experience any “Oh, you’re just a mommyblogger” responses when I met with people. Maybe it’s because I look like a frumpy mom, and you can tell who I am a mile away, so there are no surprises. Maybe it’s because it was obvious from the name of my blog on my nametag. I don’t know. I was never made to feel less important or less valid because I am a mommyblogger.
That’s probably a good thing, too, because anyone who tried to pull that crap with me might have received an earful back in return, especially after the final panel with Arianna Huffington.
I am a mommy, I am a blogger, and I write about my child and the experience of being a mother. So therefore I am a mommyblogger. I don’t dislike the term at all. Instead, I embrace it with a sloppy, open-mouthed, toddler-style kiss. It is a part of who I am, and without the mommy part, I might never have entered into the blogging world. When asked what my blog was about (did you not read my nametag?), I gave a big smile and said proudly, “It’s a mommyblog!” (or “Itza mummyblug!” as Cordy would say)
As I said during the Mommyblogging is a Radical Act panel, I discovered blogs when Cordy was just over a year old. I spent my first year with her feeling isolated, lonely, and confused. I guess I expected to join some secret society when I became a mom, but it wasn’t there. Most of my friends with children lived out of town, and I felt like my childless friends couldn’t understand all that I was going through. (I’m sure they could have understood it, but I felt that they wouldn’t understand.) I had to reign myself in when around our childless friends, knowing that if I talked about my daughter too much their eyes would glaze over and we would never receive a dinner invitation again.
And then there was parenting itself. No matter how many parenting books are written by the experts, there is no one definitive how-to manual, and certainly not for your particular model of baby. That’s the beauty of humans – we’re all unique, and therefore as babies we’re all a pain in the ass to our parents, because we can’t articulate what our personal preferences are. It’s one big game of charades until they can communicate, and even then, kids still don’t know what they want. It’s enough to send a mommy right for the antidepressants.
I would look at Cordelia sometimes and cry. I wanted help from someone who had been through this, and been through it less than 20 years ago. I only wanted to know I wasn’t alone – that there were others with babies who wouldn’t nap, or that it was OK to skip rice cereal and go straight to oatmeal, or having fantasies of throwing your child out the window were normal as long as you didn’t act on it.
There were message boards, and those helped somewhat. But I found that on message boards, women wanted to keep the topics light. Cute stories, easy to fix problems, etc. And with the message thread format, sometimes your voice was lost in the sea of posts.
Finding blogs helped me tremendously. I found moms (and dads) who had struggled with similar issues to mine, and I learned that blogs were a great place to share your faults and admit that this parenting thing ain’t easy. From there I carved out my space, and was so relieved to have this space to share my feelings.
Mommyblogs are the new advice manuals, but they’re so much better than expert opinions. They’re stories from the trenches – real, honest, and sometimes raw – and they are also advice manuals with a community built around them. Many moms are finding their voices through this medium. We know that motherhood as a whole is considered worthless by many, but by finding our voices perhaps we can change that belief.
The strength I have discovered in myself through my writing has been incredible, and I’ve seen that strength developing in other bloggers as well. Had you told me a few years ago that I would be going to a conference of women writers in San Jose, CA by myself, I would have laughed at you. Maybe even laughed so hard that I snorted. I would have replied, “No way. I’m too scared to fly. And besides, there’s no way I could travel alone and have to spend a weekend with a bunch of strangers, especially all women. I’d be the outcast that everyone laughed at, hiding in the back and wishing I could be as cool as all of them.”
Today I’m proud to say I sat in the front of the room, I walked up to people and started conversations, I took risks, and I even got the courage to stand up in front of a large room of mommybloggers and ask a question to the panel. Which, if you knew how fast my heart was beating, you’d know that was a pretty impressive thing. I usually don’t speak up, but I got in the face of the hotel staff and yelled at them for their screw up. I was fearless.
So yeah, I’m a mommyblogger. Blogging has provided me the opportunity to find the community of women online that I can’t find in my own neighborhood, and it has afforded me the chance to get my own thoughts out on parenting. Others have helped me, and I can only help that my voice will give strength to another mom out there. I don’t know if I’m really a writer, but I am proud of what I have accomplished with this blog, and I hope to take it even further in the future, including the next step of working on a book, and perhaps other blogs in the future.
Arianna Huffington validated my feelings about the power of mommyblogs by saying that they tackle the most primal fears of motherhood and raising children. It’s very possible that mommyblogging has helped others (not just me) to be more fearless in their parenting, and if so then that is a powerful testament to the importance of mommyblogs. It’s not just about pictures of our kids and cute anecdotes (although that is enjoyable as well), but it’s also about social change.
Thank you to the wonderful folks at BlogHer for a thought-provoking conference that has left me questioning where I’m going in my life more than ever. And that’s not a complaint – that’s a compliment of the highest order.
w00t! I am relieved to read that there are still smart, witty women that are proud to be mommy bloggers! I am glad you found happiness and strength in blogging. Me too.
Wonderful post! From one mommy blogger to another, here’s a toast *clink*
More bon mots from you: “That’s the beauty of humans – we’re all unique, and therefore as babies we’re all a pain in the ass to our parents, because we can’t articulate what our personal preferences are.” Too perfect! I will be quoting you to my local friends this week.
You’re so awesome! Love this piece. Great writing, well thought out and expressed opinion. And hey, I agree, too.
How’s re-entry treating you? I’m sure you little girl was happy to see you.
P.s. You’re not frumpy or whatever you called it.
Nicely done, Christina. I have to say watching you the whole weekend, you definitely know how to have a great time.
“has left me questioning where I’m going in my life more than ever…”
My sentiments exactly. I miss you, girl.
Here’s my theory about the mommy-blogger/non-mommy-blogger divide, and maybe you can tell me if my impressions have any foundation. I have always felt very lucky to be a mommyblogger – simply by sharing my experiences, I immediately tap into this wonderful wide, broad community of readers: all you have to do is put up your blog, start scattering around a few comments, and there’s a huge, hungry audience just waiting to come and read (huge in the sense of 6 or 7 comments per day – hehe). I have no experience with any other type of blogging, so here’s where the rampant speculation comes in, but I rather suspect that it’s harder to build an audience with any other kind of blog, that it takes longer to “break in,” and even when you do (if you do), your readers are far less likely to be as loving and supportive – nobody’s jumping out of the bushes to hand you a Perfect Post award or publish a tribute post talking all about how wonderful your blog is.
And it sounds as if the applause you mentioned may have arisen from a sense of exclusion – the non-mommy-bloggers may not be outnumbered, but they’re aware that they are stuck outside the giant love-fest that is mommy-blogging, not because anyone is giving them the cold shoulder, but simply because there is this huge area of experience that we all share and they don’t.
From what I’ve been reading, it seems as if the tables have really turned in the space of a year. I read a comment somewhere yesterday mentioning that at last year’s BlogHer conference, the mommy-bloggers were bonding over their sense of exclusion. A year later, exclusion from the mainstream (to the extent that it exists) is starting to feel kind of irrelevant since our numbers are growing and so is our community.
What do you think?
Me too Christina. I’m proud too. You guys were all great, and these ladies are helping us get through everyday. THAT is why we were already so close despite never having met in person before.
Power to the Mommybloggers!! Great post, Christina. Seriously.
And it was awesome to meet you this weekend.
I love that this discussion is continuing and reverberating, and I love your take on it. In my case (and I know I’m far from the first person to say this), I think that the term “mommyblogger” describes me, since I’m a mom who blogs, quite often about mom stuff. But the term “mommy” can sound so infantilizing and dismissive. I guess the only people I want calling me “mommy” are my kids.
This was a great post. Your writing is wonderful and I’m really looking forward to what you have to say in the future, too.
I`ve been reading your blog for a while now, and I just love it! I`m not a mommyblogger – because I`m not a mom… But I hope to be one day! And your blog (and sooo many other!) makes me want it even more – but it has also made me aware of the fact that being pregnant and having av baby/toddler/child/teenager isn`t all just fun and good times. I`ve never before experienced such hoesty about parenting – I. Love. It!!
I’m glad you’re back. This is wonderful.
See you next year in Chicago.
Christina- (also my name- too cool) Good for you, you went out of your comfort space and made a wave in the lives of others. Keep writing- I am enjoying your blog.
nice post! very good thoughts. Blogs definitely are a great window to the world. I don’t feel as alone being the introvert social phobe mother that I am.
Hmm..this post really got me thinking. It gave me an idea for a post. I think you’re awesome! But it got me thinking that I don’t know where I really fit in. Am I a mommyblogger? I do talk about my children a lot. Am I a ChristianBlogger? Ive mentioned my faith a few times. But I think overall I just talk about whatever comes to mind when I pull up my blogger dashboard. I just don’t know. I don’t even have a tagline. Hmm…
Very well said!! You say so MUCH here about the value of mommyblogging, and show yourself as such a great example of how life-changing it can be.
What a great post. It was not disjointed at all. Thanks for putting your thoughts into words so eloquently. I am new to the mommyblogging community (even though I have 2 kids) and am so thankful that I have discovered it.
*APPLAUSE* That was an awesome entry!
Christina, your post is beautifully written and the point came across effectively. You know what I think? Mommyblogger is just a label, like Gucci, Prada or Versace (things I’ll never afford *W*). I find if funny how threatened and intimidated non-mommybloggers are by us. I feel we shouldn’t be labeled, but it’s just a name they used to identify us so that these non-mothers feel more in control. After all, what would they do if when asked the theme of their blogs and they say “I blog about my life and my job, blah blah blah” and we responded, “Oh you’re just a self-important blogger?” Wouldn’t be so cool would it? I think we just need to take the higher road and identify ourselves as Women Bloggers. That’s what we are. It’s just an added perk if we are wives and mothers and working gals, right?
Pefectly said. I have been feeling this way to and BlogHer really helped confirm some of the feelings I have been having. It is great to see it has made som many of us “think” on higher levels.
Cheers!
I have just found blogging and started my own blog you have spoken so eloquently what many women today feel- thank you! I will keep reading and blogging, it’s funny because this morning I was thinking of deleting my blog, it seemed silly to post when no one reads it but me and Hubby and that I am not as funny or cool as other bloggers out there- thanks for changing my mind- it does help to vent -and to look into tothers lives and realize you aren’t the only one who feels the way you do ! thanks again! keep up the good work- and I think that the battle of who is a better mom the SAHM or the working moms has now become the have kids dont have kids or similar – this has beena hot topic to women for ever and I guess it will continue as long as some have kids and some dont and some stay home and some work- Angie
Forget “becoming fearless” (Arianna’s book title) – you ARE fearless!
Cheers to you Christina. You remind me so much of a PIM friend of mine who came out of her shell to become a force to be reckoned with.
sounds like you had a blast
Beautifully said, Christina.
Great post!!
“…fantasies of throwing your child out the window were normal as long as you didn’t act on it.” Ooh, over here (hand waving) me too. Think about it, yes. Act on it, nooo. Glad I’m not the only one.
Perfect, Christina. The whole thing. I’m glad you got up the courage to go to Blogher and have a wonderful time. And through that experience you produced this wonderful post.
*standing ovation*
Oh Christina, I couldn’t have said it better myself! I wish I didn’t miss such a great experience at BlogHer, but I still know how much all of you other mommybloggers mean to me! Keep it up!
I agree. I’ve always said that blogging has brought to the fore a platform for mothers wherein, for once, we’re not sidelined for having reproduced. Onward and upward.
Actually I think BlogHer has changed my opinion of “Mommybloggers”. I had only read a scant few before going to BlogHer and now seeing how awesome you all are, I had to check you all out. I love all of your blogs! It actually makes me so glad I found you all BEFORE I became a mommy. I feel so lucky because when it is my turn, I’ll already have a community I can go to!
Great post.
Great post, Christina. You certainly did seem fearless to me at the conference. You exuded friendliness and confidence all at once.
I have to say that becoming a mother was the inspiration for my blogging. My son is somewhat of a muse for me. However, I find that as I write more, I want to write about more than just MOTHERING because I am multi-dimensional. And yet, like you, I probably would not have started my blog had I not become a mother. So the term mommyblogger does not bother me at all. In fact, I am proud to be a mommyblogger, but like you and most other “mommybloggers”, my blog is about more than just snot and diapers.
Bravo, Christina, well said! I’m honored that you linked to me, because honestly this post is much more eloquent and thought out than mine was.
I LOVE that you said you went to a conference of women writers. Reading your blog makes me want to improve, as a blogger and as a writer. Thanks-and oh yeah, GREAT to meet you! Chicago ’07-woo hoo!
That was beautiful! I have been reading your blog for a pretty good while now and want you to know that I love reading everyday to see what crazy thing Cordy has done that day. You’re doing a great job! And I understand about that feeling to want to throw them out the window… lol… I have a two year old and a one year old… partners in crime right there…