Take Me Drunk, I’m Home

Since it’s hard to steer away from a train wreck like Forbes.com, I had to check out their recently published list of America’s Drunkest Cities.

I am [proud? ashamed? embarrassed? amused?] to report that Columbus ranked #3 on the list, just behind Milwaukee and Minneapolis-St.Paul. That means the top three drinking cities in America can be found right here in the Midwest. In fact, overall the Midwest scored high on the number of cities on the drunk list, and Ohio even more so: we’re one of two states to have three major cities in the top 20. (Cleveland at #7, Cincinnati at #16)

There were five stats used to rank these cities: state laws, number of drinkers, number of heavy drinkers, number of binge drinkers, and alcoholism. Personally, I think they should have included number of frat boys per square mile into the stats, but I guess that didn’t fit their methodology.

Here in Columbus, its clear we’re a city that loves our booze. There are bars everywhere – dingy holes in the wall, sports bars, dance clubs with fully stocked bars, and upscale pubs are found on nearly every corner. The Arena district (home of the Columbus Blue Jackets) has its own brewery/restaurant – stop in for a meal, stay to witness beer brewing! But we don’t stop at beer, either – we love our wine, whiskey, and mixed drinks, too.

Now, you might ask: why would Columbus drink more? Well, besides the fact that we have one more holiday than the rest of you (because really, where else but Columbus can you celebrate Columbus Day?), there are several reasons to drink that don’t involve a day off work. Reasons such as:

- OSU football team wins a game (the drinking is usually joined by burning dumpsters)
- OSU football team loses a game (also accompanied by burning dumpsters)
- OSU beats Michigan (this one usually warrants a step up to car fires)
- OSU marching band plays Hang On Sloopy (or the tuba player dots the ‘I’ in Script Ohio)
- OSU fires a coach
- OSU hires a new coach
- OSU goes to a bowl game
- OSU faces suspending a football player for assault/robbery/rape/being an idiot

Yes, Ohio State University athletics factors into a lot of the drinking around here. For those of us who aren’t rabid fans, we have one more reason to drink: we live in a city crazy about college football, which means if there’s a home game, it’s best to not go near the campus district all day long for fear of being stuck in nightmare traffic.

We also must listen to nothing but talk of upcoming games on TV and on the radio. And if your favorite radio station happens to be “The Home of the Buckeyes”, you can no longer listen to music when the game is on.

What am I trying to get at here? This Saturday marks the beginning of OSU football season. Drink up, fans.

Me? After all this writing, I think I need a drink, too.

OK, on the next first down, everyone chug. Got it?
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  1. Hey, if you can’t beat ‘em…

  2. Having a family member who went to OSU…I can say I’m not surprised in the least. (and the photo’s a keeper. Gorgeomous!)

  3. According to my brother-in-law, isn’t is “THE” Ohio State University? He is a Cleveland native, and tells us that you cannot refer to the school without prefacing it with “THE.”

    I don’t know what I’m talking about: go ask Amy, she’s married to him!

  4. creative-Type Dad (Tony) says:

    That’s funny! My wife grew up in Ohio (outside Columbus) and thinks it’s closer to #2

  5. It is, in fact, The Ohio State University. We’ll ignore the fact that Ohio has many state-sponsored universities. And that in Athens, Ohio there is Ohio University (also a state-sponsored school).

    But oddly enough, no one ever uses the “The” when saying just “OSU”.

  6. Better America’s Drunkest City than America’s Most Burglarized City, right?

  7. Mmmm….there may be something to that. Before I lived in Columbus, I never drank. When I lived in C-bus, I was mostly drunk. Now that I’ve moved away, I rarely drink.

    Adorable dress. I do miss Columbus. I am one of those rabid college football fans and alumna of THE Ohio State University. I don’t know why it is THE, something to do with it starting with a vowel and correct pronunciation. I have to admit, it does get obnoxious.

  8. I am also a graduate of The Ohio State University. I, like Kristi, was a virgin drinker before I became a Buckeye. I think a big part of it is tailgating before a game. If you’ve never expierenced it, it’s something to be had.

  9. Man, leave to us in Wisconsin to be the drunkest. I think my city has Milwaukee beat though. We have more bars per capita in our county. Ugh!

  10. First, that picture is so adorable. I’ll have to check and see where South Florida falls. You’d think with all the spring breakers, maybe we’d be up there? I dunno.

  11. As Emily’s and Kristi’s college roommate… yes.. we ummm …partook in a beer or 12 every so often. I too finished my first beer in the Columbus city limits…

    I have never seen so much open contained in my whole life than at an OSU game. It is almost like Bourban Street.

  12. daundelyon says:

    I belive it was Lori R. who once commented that, “OSU claims to be a research institution that teaches. They’re actually a football institution that does research.”
    I went to OSU. My sister went to Michigan. My brother has neatly sidestepped the whole issue and gone to Miami.

  13. Were huge football fans here..well, the hubs more than me. But we are for UK, OSU, MSU, marshall,etc and a few other local college & HS ones. We travel around during football season and it all begins this weekend for us.

    Isn’t OSU # 1 and isn’t that why my entire family is sporting OSU sweatshirts this football season, me included?
    I’m not surprised at all about the drinking thing though…

  14. I must admit that when I read that list and saw that Boston was lower I felt we were slacking. But after reading your post I gladly bow to Columbus and the midwest as the kings of drunkeness. Cheers!

  15. Hail from the capitol of the Buckeye state! Drunkeness seems to follow me everywhere – which is not surprising. As a graduate of Rutgers, I think they were pretty high up there as most drunken schools. Anyway – as a resident of Columbus, I say with my wine glass in hand, “Cheers to Number 3!”

  16. Verrry funny. Love the photo of Cordy at the end!

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