Quick quiz: How many months pregnant was I in this picture?
Nope, all wrong. The answer is: I’m 8 months postpartum.
(Did I just lose subscribers over that? I think I heard someone click that unsubscribe button. It’s OK, I understand. I’ll spare you from the belly shot without clothing. The stretch marks alone would scare the rest of you away.)
Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before making a change. And right now? This is me, hitting hard on the cold stone floor. And damn it hurts.
I know I said I wasn’t making any New Year’s Resolutions, and I’m not. But it’s time to admit that I’m really not happy with myself. I don’t like being overweight, I don’t like all of the extra curves on top of my curves, and I’m really sick of being asked, “So when are you due?”
I don’t always look like the picture above. I’m amazingly adept at sucking in my stomach and holding it all. day. long. But eventually I have to breathe, or I forget for a moment, and suddenly I look pregnant again. Even Spanx can’t hide it all.
Beyond the physical, my mental health is also suffering. I had depression when pregnant with Cordy, and I worried about developing PPD after Mira was born. I think I was too busy trying to deal with two kids early on to let myself feel down. Now I can feel the darkness quietly creeping in again, and I think it’s partially motivated by my unhappiness with my physical appearance.
So it’s time for a change, and that change can begin by asking myself: what do I really want? I want to be healthy, in body, mind and spirit. I want to eat better, get more exercise, and lose weight. I want to feel good about my body instead of ashamed of it.
And to be completely honest?
I want to be hot by BlogHer ’08.
OK, it’s a little shallow, I’ll admit. But I’ve been to the BlogHer conference twice now, and both times I felt like the “big girl” hanging out with all of the pretty girls. There’s a lot of gorgeous women in the blogging world.
This past year, I had an 8 week old excuse:
But the year before, there was no excuse:
I wasn’t always this big. In fact, just five years ago I felt pretty good about how I looked. Amazing how having two kids and letting yourself go a little can wreck your appearance.
BlogHer ’08 is my goal date. I want to be hot by BlogHer ’08. And by “hot” I don’t necessarily mean skinny. Skinny isn’t going to happen – my body isn’t built that way. Instead, I’m setting realistic goals:
- I want to be at a healthier weight. I have no set number I must reach – that will only depress me. Instead, I’d like to see myself in a smaller clothing size (no particular size, just smaller), and not look like my uterus is currently under lease for another few months.
- I want to eat more natural foods, and less fat and fried foods. Mira has officially weaned as of this week, so cutting back on calories isn’t a bad thing. I can’t eat like a breastfeeding woman anymore. More fruits, veggies, and water, and more emphasis on portion control. I’m not giving up the foods I love, but I will remind myself that there is no threat to the world’s chocolate supply, so I don’t need to eat it like it’ll all disappear tomorrow.
- I want to enjoy exercise again. There was a time I actually liked exercising (or liked it as much as a sane person can really like exercise). I was happy to see the changes it caused and marveled at what my body could do. But I need to find a form of exercise I like enough to do more than once.
- I want to be satisfied with what I see in the mirror. This is quite an undertaking, because it will involve mental as well as physical change. I need to start working with my body instead of against it, thinking of it only as a shell I wish I didn’t have to lug around with me.
- I want to be happier with my life, giving off waves of self-confidence and satisfaction. While times are tough for us in some ways, I have a lot of good things happening right now. It’s time to focus on what makes me happy and not on the things I’m unhappy about but can’t change.
Yes, I know there are far better reasons to want to be healthier: living longer, setting a good example for my daughters, and a lowered risk of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. I want all of those, too, but it’s hard to get motivated by those long-term reasons.
But – hot by BlogHer? (I love that phrase. I swear I’m going to make a button for that.) That’s a goal in the near future I can work towards.
I’m ready. I’m motivated. I’m determined.
Can I do it?
I think I can.
(Anyone want to join me?)
Coming up soon: Specific plans, a full round of starting pictures, my past history with my weight, and detailing how I’m going to keep myself accountable by blogging.
UPDATE! We now have a button, thanks to the design mastery of Mother Bumper! Feel free to add it to your blog (but link back here so people know what you’re talking about, m’kay?).