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Dec 27, 2010

Christmas Gift Hall of Shame

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On Christmas night, after everyone was gone, the wrapping paper bagged up, and the kids put to bed, I (of course) went to Twitter to see how everyone else spent the day. I found myself quickly reading through a hilarious list of worst gifts of the year. Some were embarrassing, some were funny, some were just plain odd.

And then I realized I had nothing to contribute.

We had a really good Christmas this year. We saw a lot of family, had a great meal, gave some fun gifts to everyone, and received some really nice gifts in return.

Quick tangent: Cordy even handled the day better than she ever has. When the room got too loud, I noticed her slowly pushing herself deeper into the sofa cushions, as if she was trying to disappear entirely. A few family members drew attention to her, and she closed her eyes to block it all out as I reminded them that this was her way of coping with the sensory overload, and it was best to not engage her at that time.

Soon she had had enough and quietly slipped upstairs to her room. When I went up to check on her, she told me that she went to her room because she needed some quiet time. Wow…I’ll gladly accept that response to being overloaded rather than her previous response of having a massive meltdown. And after a little while, she came downstairs again, ready to join in and play with her toys some more.

OK, back to the story: Both Cordy and Mira had several fun toys and books to choose from, and Aaron and I received gift cards to several of our favorite places. There was no gift Hall of Shame, no WTF gift of 2010. I found myself a little sad about that fact.

In the past, we could always count on my Great Aunt Dot to provide some weird, off-the-wall gift that she purchased on the 90% off rack at Macy’s for Christmas. Sometimes it was a tin of stale, outdated cashews, or a bunny that said “Happy Easter” when you pressed it’s ear. Sometimes it was a bag of toilet paper with one roll missing from the pack or some gaudy piece of costume jewelry with the price tag still clearly attached, red lines showing the markdowns. Sometimes it was a map of Millersburg, Ohio with no explanation.

As a kid I hated opening all the weird stuff from her. I didn’t even like her all that much – she was mean and liked to tease me. Later I learned to laugh it off and remember it’s the thought that counts, and as an adult I understood that the teasing and the gruff exterior were how she dealt with a lifetime of disappointment. She died just over two years ago, and since then Christmas gifts have never been the same at our house.

So this year I once again pulled out one of her last gifts for Cordy and played it for everyone just before we sat down to eat. (Thankfully, Cordy isn’t scared of it anymore.)

Aunt Dot’s Gift from Christina M on Vimeo.

A family friend who joined us this year looked at it and said, “Shouldn’t you take the price tag off that?”

“Of course not,” we replied, “That’s just how Aunt Dot gave it!”

We may no longer have her with us, but when we see that deer (moose?) in a bathrobe singing “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” while it rocks in the chair, it’s like Aunt Dot is still celebrating with us in spirit.

Filed Under: Cordy, holidays, memories · Tagged:


Dec 23, 2010

A Fair and Balanced Christmas

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I thought I had most of the Christmas shopping done long before today. But then when I paused for a moment to do a quick recap of the gifts I have for my two cherubs to unwrap on Christmas morning, I realized I had made a grave error.

Mira has over twice as many gifts as Cordy.

It’s not like I intentionally tried to stiff my older child. Mira is just far easier to shop for, thanks to being very outspoken about what she likes. I know that if I find anything involving Thomas the Train, polar bears, or the color pink, she will squeal with joy and proclaim it the Best Gift Ever.

(Until she opens the next item that fits one or more of those categories, where she will yet again declare it the Best Gift Ever. She never leaves a gift giver disappointed by her reaction.)

Cordy, on the other hand, is a little more difficult. She wants a blue bunny. And maybe a superhero sticker book. Her requests are very specific, and not always items that can be obtained. Guess wrong when presenting her with a gift and you’ll be met with the silence of indifference as she sets it aside and never glances at it again.

So it was an honest oversight that I picked up significantly more gifts for Mira than Cordy. Which means I get to join the crowds today to find at least one more gift for Cordy.

Sure, I could hold back a few items for Mira, but if I did that it would be holding back all of the toys/games, because the polar bear clothing can’t wait until her birthday in May, when it will no longer be winter and she’ll likely be near the end of this clothing size. And even though I know she’ll love the clothing, I can’t make her open only clothing from Santa.

Thankfully, both of my girls don’t have expensive tastes, so I’ll only need to find a good book or an interesting small toy to make up the difference. Sometimes the least expensive item is often Cordy’s favorite. But they’re both old enough now to notice if one has significantly more presents than the other, so I have to at least make sure the gift load is balanced.

My mom was lucky – she never had to deal with the issue of gift equalization. I was an only child, making Christmas an easy task for her – if Santa brought me only one gift, I had no one else to compare it with. But possibly because I grew up as an only child, it’s also not a topic in the front of my mind when buying gifts for my children.

(For the record – I’m not saying I wish I had only one child. They just don’t cover this in the hospital when you give birth to your second child.)

I suppose this will be good training for the years to come, because while they will only notice the number of packages at the moment, I’m sure in the future I’ll have to dodge the “You spent more on her than me!” teenager whine.

And that will be the day I give them equal gift cards and let them pick out what they want.

Filed Under: being a mom, Cordy, family time, holidays, Mira, sisterhood ·


Dec 17, 2010

Dear Santa

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Hi Santa. I know you get a lot of requests this time of year, and many of them come from those far more in need than me. While my own two children are busy thinking up all of the toys and books they want you to bring them, I thought I might go ahead and put in a few requests of my own.

Santa, for Christmas this year I’d like the gift of time. As a busy mom of two who also works full-time, this seems to be the one thing I’m lacking the most in my life. I want more time to give my daughters the attention they so desperately need, and time to give my husband the attention he deserves. Too often I look back on a day and wonder why I didn’t get a single moment to focus all of my attention on each family member individually. It wouldn’t have to be a lot of time – just enough so that each of them knows how much they mean to me.

With more time I could also once again find joy in hobbies I’ve left behind, take better care of myself, and visit with friends I so rarely see. I’d use some of that time towards my work, too, thinking up new ways to make my job more efficient and more valuable.

I could even write more.

The next thing on my wish-list would be patience. You see, I’ve been good this year, Santa, but I’ll admit I’m far from perfect. Not having enough time has resulted in more stress, which too often manifests in a lack of patience towards everyone around me. I don’t want my daughters to have another year remembering their mother as that woman who looks over her laptop monitor at them and continues to work as they talk to her, or answers every question with, “Can you just wait a minute? Mommy’s busy,” or who won’t wait for them to do things that kids naturally take more time doing, like getting dressed or eating. I want to yell less and say “yes” more, allowing myself to move at their pace instead of my own hurried pace.

And Santa, if I can squeeze in one more gift I’d like for Christmas, it would be a two-fer gift. You know I hate feeling insecure – a need for security has been such a strong influence in my life – so I’d love to feel more financially secure in the next year. A permanent position with my job, health insurance, a permanent job for Aaron – that would be an awesome gift. But to go with that gift, I’d hope to receive a hefty dose of gratitude as well, so that I may appreciate what I’ve been given and be presented with opportunities to use those gifts to help others as well.

I know moms probably aren’t on the top of your list, Santa, but I hope you’ll consider my requests. If you can’t find such rare gifts, I’ll understand – after all, I do have a lot of good things in my life right now that are gifts I get to experience everyday. These wishes, however, would be totally better than any pony I might have wished for in years past. (Ahem…or every year from 5-10 years old.)

Thanks for your time, Santa. We’ll leave cookies and milk out for you as always.

Love,
Christina

PS – Just to be clear, Santa, I’d never turn down gift cards or a spa treatment, too, in case you were wondering.

Filed Under: holidays, me me me ·


Dec 13, 2010

A Message On Driving In Snow

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Note: I wrote this post as the third post EVER on this blog. And look, five years later it is still relevant! Please enjoy this repost today (slightly edited for relevance) since I doubt many of you were stopping by to read it the first time.
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A message to Ohio drivers on this snowy day:

Hi everyone. Most of you have lived in this state for more than one year, I’d guess. Therefore, you know what Ohio weather can be like, and understand that our unofficial motto is, “Ohio: Don’t like the weather? Wait 5 minutes.” So it should also come as no surprise that while Ohio celebrates all four seasons, it doesn’t necessarily throw them at us in the correct order. And when it does, it can be sudden.

Yes, it was a beautiful fall, with many warm days. But today it’s snowing, and has been on-and-off for the past week. Now I know that sometimes that takes a little adjustment, but you’ve all been through this. I know you didn’t learn to drive only on clear, sunny days. Surely you can remember how to drive in the snow by the time you reach the end of your driveways.

And yet you still can’t figure it out. You still drive like idiots, causing massive backups, traffic jams, and accidents, all because of a little snow (or rain the rest of the year). I’ve noticed that you tend to fall into one of two categories:

The fraidy-cats: You’re probably the ones who used to live in the south and never saw snow before, or maybe you were raised to be scared of anything. I don’t know, but why must you drive twenty-friggin’-miles-an-hour on the highway? OK fine, 25 miles an hour if you’re right behind the salt truck. Yes, the road is slick when it’s snowing, but going that slow is actually more likely to cause an accident, since those of us who drive at reasonable speeds have to slam on our brakes to avoid running over you like a speed bump, which then makes us skid. Oh, and please, if you do speed up, don’t slam on the brakes the minute you start to go over a bridge – that just makes it worse.

The invincibles: Of course you love to drive fast – you’re either 18 and have no sense of your own mortality because you only read the Cliff Notes of The Great Gatsby in school or you’re a 40-something man driving your mid-life crisis sports car trying to prove you still have testosterone even though your hair is running for the border. I don’t care about your reason – it’s SNOWING! Driving 80 mph and weaving in and out of traffic is a sport for a sunny summer day, not a snowstorm. And while I could care less if you want to wrap your ribs around the smashed up melted plastic bits of your steering wheel and an unsuspecting tree, I do have a husband and daughters I want to get home to see, and if I wreck and die because of you, I will gladly spend my afterlife kicking your ass.

So, to all my fellow Ohio drivers: please drive carefully today. Snow does require more caution when driving, but it doesn’t mean you can’t drive at a reasonable speed. Just use your brain, people.

Lecture over. Now go drive safe.

Filed Under: rant, snow · Tagged:


Dec 7, 2010

Roller Coaster of Autism

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Raising a daughter with autism is a lot like riding a roller coaster. One minute you’re climbing high, watching your child make huge gains and seeing nothing but the blue sky above you when it comes to success. Then the next minute you’re hurtling downwards, out of control as you watch the ground come at you quickly, closing your eyes to block out your fear of all that progress crashing down with you, but quietly wishing you’d hurry up and hit bottom already. Then suddenly you pull up again, grateful to be released from the free-fall, wondering if you can stomach the next curve.

The past few weeks have been rough for Cordy, and as a result rough for us as well. After coming off the high of finding out that our daughter is excelling in academics and hearing so much praise from her teachers, we’re seeing a totally different child at home.

It’s hard for me to put into words what’s different about her. She’s…moody. The slightest verbal correction sends her either into a fit about how she’ll never get to do [insert activity she was doing] ever again, or sometimes a panic attack that we’ll hit her or send her to jail for some minor offense. (For the record, we don’t hit her. Just wanted to make that clear up front.)

She’s always been someone who sees only black and white with most issues, but lately everything has been even blacker and whiter. There is only one way to do things, and you can’t tell her otherwise. Any change in direction and suddenly it’s like the world is splitting apart at the seams.

She’s stopped sleeping again. She goes to bed at her normal time, but when I leave for work I’ll often still hear her talking in her room. On nights when I’m home, I sometimes wake up at 2am or 3am and still hear her talking to herself in her room. And yet she still bounds out of her room at 6:15am. Occasionally she’ll crash hard in the middle of the day – about a month ago there was a tornado warning while she was at school, and apparently while they crouched in the school hallway, sirens blaring, she fell asleep. But there seems to be no pattern to her sleep cycles.

Cordy has also started destructive behaviors – she’s unraveling socks at an alarming rate now. She insists on wearing socks at all times, but she has been putting holes in at least a few every week, sometimes completely unraveling the sock down to the bottom of the cuff. She’s also scratching herself raw at times and picking at her lips, sometimes until they bleed.

What bothers me the most is that Cordy wants to be alone even more lately. She comes home from school and usually within the first 15 minutes, she’s either absorbed in an activity book, or she disappears to another room to “make up her stories.” She likes to create stories, but she insists on making them in private and then she doesn’t like to share them. If anyone should come into the room, she gets upset and demands they leave. Peeking in on her, I often find her pacing back and forth, flapping her hands and talking to herself, usually quoting lines from TV shows. This is often what she’s doing in the middle of the night, too.

Sometimes I get so frustrated that she won’t let me into her world. If I ask her how her day went at school, she responds, “Mom, I don’t want to talk. I just want to watch TV.” If I ask her how she’s feeling, she whines and tries to avoid me. When I ask her to tell me one of her stories, she tells me that she doesn’t like to tell them to anyone. I feel like I can’t get through to her, and I sometimes worry that feeling will create a divide between us. I know I shouldn’t take it personally, but when your 6 year old keeps telling you to leave her alone, and you go an entire night in different rooms, it starts to have an effect.

Many of these behaviors have been with her for some time, but over the past few weeks they’ve intensified to the point that sometimes she’s incredibly difficult to live with. I can’t pinpoint what’s causing these changes, either, which leaves me feeling helpless. It’s quite possible the overstimulation of the holidays is affecting her, but I don’t know how to tone it down any more to keep her happy. Something at school could be affecting her, too – she never seems as happy when she gets off the bus anymore.

I really had no point to this post. I just needed to get this off my chest and admit that while I love my daughter, I’m having a hard time dealing with her lately. She was so happy earlier this year and now I feel like she’s morphed into some sullen emo teenager who is angry that we never let her do what she wants and never leave her alone enough. I want my smiling little girl back (I have tears in my eyes as I write that because I know what a little ray of sunshine she has been) and I want her to be at least a little more interested in her family.

I understand social interaction is hard for Cordy – such is the nature of autism – but I refuse to let autism take her away from me. I’ve been crazy busy with work, but I’ll somehow find the time to do more for her if needed. But what is there to do? I have no idea what steps to take next.

Back to that roller coaster image, since I have no idea how to even end this stream of consciousness: my eyes are currently squeezed shut tight and I’m hoping this is just a small dip in the ride and soon we’ll be on that upward climb again. Because right now the ground is a little too close for my liking.

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Filed Under: Autism, Cordy, daily life ·