Tougher Skin

Over the weekend, we went to a big gathering hosted by some friends. Most of us have kids, so all of the kids got to play together. Cordy has played with the hosts’ two children several times before without any problems. The five year old sometimes gets annoyed with Cordy, but in that case he usually just ignores her.

But the dynamics were different this time. The five year old had a seven year old friend, and the two of them were playing together. Cordy and the two year old were also in the playroom. Now, looking at these four kids, you’d think Cordy belonged with the older two – she is only slightly shorter than the five year old, and may outweigh him. And of course the older two were having a great time making up their own games and creating imaginary worlds to play in.

The trouble started when the five year old brought out a new magnetic fishing pole. He and the seven year old girl immediately threw the fish on the ground and started fishing. Cordy – having little self-control – loved seeing the pole and grabbed for it so she could fish, too. The older kids screeched at her and yanked the pole back.

I stepped in at this point and reminded the older kids that Cordy was younger than them, and had trouble understanding the concept of waiting for her turn. I then focused on Cordy, explaining that she had to wait until they were done before she could have her turn, and that she couldn’t take away toys from other kids. I also tried to redirect her to another toy, but she was obsessed with the fishing pole.

The older kids went back to fishing, laughing with excitement. The energy the two of them generated could have powered half of Ohio. Cordy, still standing on the sidelines, couldn’t take it anymore. She again reached out and put her hand on the fishing pole, saying “Cordy catch a fish? Cordy catch a fish?”

The older kids again removed her, although in pushing her away from them, Cordy pushed back. I reminded Cordy that she shouldn’t push. I could see the frustration on her face. “Cordy catch a fish!” she cried and reached again for the pole.

“No!” yelled one of the older kids. “Cordy will NEVER catch a fish! Never!” They then picked up a fish and ran around the large wooden puppet theatre in the room to “cook it”. But they took the pole with them, too.

Cordy looked confused and hurt. Those harsh words hurt me, too. This social situation for Cordy was quickly turning bad and I wanted to pluck her out of it. But she was determined to get that fishing pole. As I tried to talk to her, she walked around the puppet theatre to join the other two. They had set the pole down for the moment, so she took the opportunity to pick it up. They quickly noticed, and a round of “No, Cordy!” erupted as they both grabbed her and pulled the pole from her.

The cartoon steam was coming from her ears at this point. She didn’t understand why she couldn’t have a turn, she didn’t know why they were being mean to her, and she really wanted to play with this toy. I could see the inner workings of her mind on her face – she was furious, frustrated, and what little reason and logic she had were no longer accessible. I watched her progress to the edge of a full-blown, out-of-her-right-mind meltdown, teetering ever so close on the precipice.

Cordy reached out and grabbed the (very heavy, and a little unstable) puppet theatre and started shaking it violently. The older kids yelled at her to stop. I also firmly told her to stop because it was rocking enough that I worried it would fall on them. In those seconds, I knew what I had to do, but also knew the results: the first person to touch her was going to set her off into a screaming, kicking meltdown, but it was important that she didn’t knock down the wooden structure.

I told her once again to stop, and grabbed her hand. As if I had some kind of jelly touch, she immediately collapsed and began wailing. I scooped up the seemingly invertebrate preschooler and moved her to another room. Aaron heard the screaming from upstairs and joined me as we held Cordy tight to prevent her from hurting herself as she flailed and screamed wildly.

She calmed down faster than I expected. After 15 minutes, she had calmed down enough to join the adults and sit with me, sniffling and coughing. We again talked about toys that belong to other kids, and how she could only play with those toys if the owner said it was OK. But the situation had turned into more than a fight over a toy.

“Do you want to go back downstairs with the other kids?” I asked.

“Nooooo!” she cried, hiding her face in her hands. She was scared to play with them again. Her attempt to play in a social situation was a disaster, and she didn’t want another try. She was happy to remain with the adults, close by my side.

There is a somewhat happy ending, though. Later in the evening, she did venture downstairs to play again, this time abandoning all attempts to interact with the older kids. They had moved onto a different game, so she quietly took the fishing pole and caught several fish, proudly showing me each one.

And I in no way blame the other kids for what happened. They were acting like average five and seven year olds – I wouldn’t expect them to act any other way. I can see how Cordy would annoy them. Cordy’s new attempts to play with other kids often results in her approaching kids older than her, and these kids don’t know how to deal with her. (Let’s be honest – I don’t always know how to deal with her.) She looks like she’s as old as them (even though she’s three), but at the moment she can’t understand the rules of social interaction.

I think I was the one most affected, though. In true kid fashion, she seems to have forgotten most of what happened, while I play it over and over in my head. I wonder if I should have stepped in sooner, or not stepped in at all and let her navigate the murky social waters on her own. I know I can’t always be there to interfere, and I don’t want to be some helicopter mom. But every injury to her feelings seems to strike me twice as deep.

This is a whole new area of parenting that I’m not sure I’m ready for. Helping her learn to crawl and eat solid foods was much easier than helping her deal with the world of best friends, you’re-not-my-friend-anymore, teasing and cliques. I was never any good at that area myself, so I have no idea how to teach her how to deal with it. We’re both going to need tougher skin, I think.



Helmet-Head

Last week at Cordy’s preschool, the physical therapist pulled me aside when we arrived. She wanted to talk with me about Cordy’s safety at school.

“I worry about her violent outbursts where she sometimes hits her head on the floor,” she explained. The week prior, the PT had tried to do an evaluation on Cordy by taking her out of the classroom into the hallway. Of course, in doing so, she triggered a major meltdown in Cordy, complete with screaming and head banging. Cordy barely knows, and therefore barely trusts, the PT so of course she was going to have a problem leaving the teacher she knows well.

“Well, she’s had a lot fewer meltdowns in the past month than before,” I offered, “She rarely hits her head anymore.”

The PT crossed her arms and sighed. “I’d like to recommend that she wear a helmet at all times when she’s at school.”

I must have looked like a dazed large mouth bass after she said that, because she followed it up with, “It’s for her safety. I’m surprised she hasn’t had a concussion yet.”

I’m sure I must have given her my best “what drug are you on?” look, but she continued describing about the types of soft foam helmets they have for kids.

“While she’s hit her head many, many times,” I interjected, “she’s never had any problems as a result. Not even any swelling.”

“But she doesn’t seem to register any pain when she does it, and that’s troubling because she has no reason to stop. She’s clearly learned that she can get attention by doing this.”

Wait one damn minute – did she just imply that we have encouraged this? At this point I was seething.

My voice changed slightly from an accommodating willing-to-hear-you-out one to a you-don’t-know-what-you’re-talking-about voice. “We have never encouraged her to hit her head. When she does it, we walk away or ignore it. And I think a helmet is more trouble than it’s worth. She hates having her head even touched – how do you think she’ll react to a helmet? It’ll send her into a fury and she’ll freak out until she can tear it off.”

I didn’t even mention my other concerns with a helmet. First, we’re sending her to this preschool so she can learn the skills needed to blend in with your average kid. Wearing a big stupid helmet will only alienate her and make her an easy target.

Also, wearing a helmet would, in a way, be reinforcing her behavior by sending the message that we expect her to hit her head, and therefore we’re protecting it in advance.

She still didn’t give up. “I’m just asking you to think about it. Yes, she may not like it at first, but I think it would be in her best interests to consider a helmet.”

What I wanted to say was: “Maybe instead you should learn there’s more than one way to do things, and find a way to get what you want from her without sending her into a meltdown. It’s called compromise, and even children should be given that consideration.”

Instead, I simply wanted out of the conversation, so I ended with, “I’ll speak with my husband about it, but I don’t think it’s likely he’ll want to pursue that option.”

Thinking I was free, I turned my attention to Cordy for a moment, only to hear the PT then say, “Also, have you thought about genetic testing for her?”

WTF?

“For what?”

“Well, there’s several syndromes that can have similar symptoms to autism.”

“OK…like what?”

“Oh, well, it’s not my place to diagnose that. But there are several she could be tested for.”

Again…WTF?

Seriously? She wants me to take Cordy to the pediatrician and say, “I’d like to have her genetically tested. For what? Oh, I don’t know, go ahead and test for everything, just to know.” They’d think I was crazy.

I walked out of the classroom muttering, “Oh for Chrissakes…”

Cordy’s teacher had told me before this conversation that it seemed that Cordy and the PT didn’t get along very well. We all have someone we don’t get along with, but can’t figure out why. There’s nothing wrong with personality conflicts – they happen, and you either avoid the person or work through it.

Of course, I’m not thrilled with the PT much right now either. A helmet? For real? And genetic testing? I’ll agree that it might be dangerous for a child with no real fear of pain to hit her head on the floor. But Cordy has been doing soooo much better lately that it hasn’t even concerned me.

Her teacher is so proud of how far she’s come so quickly. I can count on one hand the number of major meltdowns she’s had in the past month. Seriously, less than 5. Before we started her in this preschool, the number would have been more than 5 for a single week. It’s huge progress.

Just to make sure this isn’t just my protective Mother-Bear instinct kicking in (because really, I don’t want to be one of those parents who thinks her kid is flawless), I’ve been checking with others to make sure I’m not overreacting. Aaron immediately got angry and said no-way to a helmet. Of course, he’s the other parent, so his reaction is also biased. So I asked Cordy’s pediatrician, who said it would do more harm since Cordy’s head is so sensitive.

Am I crazy for getting so upset over the idea of a helmet? The PT has had only one major meltdown from Cordy, and she’s already suggesting a helmet. I just think there are other ways to deal with the issue than slap a big foam helmet on her head.

Edited to add: I wanted to add that I don’t think the PT is mean. She seems like a very nice woman, with years of experience. I just think there might be a personality conflict between her and Cordy, which makes it difficult for them to work together.



Haiku Friday: School Pictures


Her first school picture
Takes an hour to make her sit
So very Cordy

I knew in advance that picture day didn’t go well at school. Her teacher told me that it took nearly an hour to get her into the picture room, and even then she didn’t want to get near the flash and the camera. To make it even better, she had split her bottom lip that morning, too.

Cordy used to love getting her picture taken at photo studios as a baby. Proof? OK, if you insist:


See? I told you she loved the camera. But since the summer before she turned two, photo studios have scared her terribly, and after the last attempt at two years old, we haven’t tried taking her back. Her sensory issues have only become worse since then – I can’t imagine she would be able to sit for an entire photo session.

So I wasn’t surprised to find this as her first preschool picture:


A slightly scared, cautiously curious, partially pissed-off look. Yep, that’s my girl. And while at first I was a little disappointed that we didn’t get a smile from her, after looking at it more, I love it. It is a photographic representation of everything that has been going on with her in the past year, and it tells so much. It shows the work the teachers put in to convince Cordy to trust them, letting them bring her into the room. It shows her courage to eventually deal with the stress of the bright, flashing light.

I can’t wait to give this picture to the grandparents.

To play along for Haiku Friday, follow these steps:

1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. What’s a haiku, you ask? Click here.

2. Sign the Mister Linky below with your name and the link to your haiku post (the specific post URL, not your generic blog URL). We will delete your link if it doesn’t go to a haiku. If you need help with this, contact Jennifer or myself.

3. Pick up a Haiku Friday button to display on the post or in your sidebar by clicking the button above.

So flex those mental muscles and join Jennifer and I for Haiku Fridays!



The Changes Keep Coming

It’s almost ironic that the one person in our family who is the most resistant to change (Cordy) is the one who has to endure so much change.

After nearly settling into her routine at her new preschool, we’re changing her again. She will still be in the same room, and still have the same teacher, but she will be moved to the morning class.

We’re not just doing this for the fun of it. In fact, I’d rather not do it, because she’s now well liked by her classmates, and it’s likely she notices them as more than just the background, too. But there’s one big problem hanging over the situation: she’s exhausted by the afternoon. Cordy wakes up around 5:00AM every morning, no matter how we try to adjust her schedule. Putting her to bed earlier or later doesn’t change the time she’s up for the day.

Taking her to class each day, I have to struggle to drive while also playing 20 questions to keep Cordy awake. It works about half the time. Either way, she has trouble giving her full focus to school because she’s so tired. They have lunch first in class, which is actually Cordy’s second lunch, since she has breakfast at 6:00AM and wants lunch by 11:00AM. Being tired also increases the chances of a major meltdown substantially.

Two weeks ago, her teacher mentioned that a boy was leaving the morning class, and maybe we should consider moving Cordy into that space. I completely agreed.

So next week, Cordy’s routine will change again, and she will face an entirely new set of classmates. I hope these new kids will be as accepting of her as her current class is. A couple of the kids in her current class really like Cordy, and go out of their way to cheer her up when she’s crying. Will she miss them? Will there be kids like that in her new class?

And then, yesterday a note came home in Cordy’s backpack from the school’s physical therapist. She said that she has been watching Cordy, and thinks she needs an official gross motor skills evaluation based on what she’s seen. She noticed Cordy has difficulty with awareness of where her body is in space, and she seems to have poor motor planning. A form was enclosed, asking for my signature to authorize an evaluation.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. Sure, she’s clumsy. OK, she falls down a lot, often because her feet can’t keep up with her. And she runs into things a lot because she’s not paying attention. I guess I didn’t see that problem. I’m a little down about this – you don’t want anything to be wrong with your child, but then once there is something wrong, you don’t want to find out there might be more wrong.

I read Amalah’s post about Noah’s evaluation today, and had tears in my eyes, completely understanding how she feels. Especially when she wrote this:

He toe-walked the entire time…something we thought he’d more or less outgrown…and at one point he wobbled and fell over while standing completely still. His speech therapist said she’s seen him do that before. I bit my lip and tried not to cry, because my God, I never noticed.

I’ve preached and clucked that sometimes, the single best thing you can do for your child is admit that something is wrong. Today I had to put their checklist where my mouth is, and I didn’t like it.

I felt much the same yesterday when I got that note. I never noticed Cordy’s physical problems because I was so focused on her behavior issues. I waved off past evaluators when they asked about motor skills, saying as far as I knew she was a typical kid in that regard. Now I must look more closely and admit that maybe something is wrong.

If the physical therapist finds a significant delay, we’ll add gross motor skills to her IEP and she’ll begin physical therapy along with her occupational and speech therapies. More changes for all of us.

It can be so overwhelming sometimes, and it doesn’t help that this past week has been a bad one for Cordy. Lots of acting out, lots of meltdowns, lots of repetitive behaviors and zoning out. It’s been maddening, and while I love her with all my heart, I confess that sometimes I don’t like her very much.

I hate admitting that, but it’s true. I love her quirks, her humor, her amazing view of the world, but I tire of the negative side that comes with it. Sometimes I want to scream, “Why can’t you act like other kids? Why can’t you just be…normal?” (But I don’t, of course. And the word “normal” has been banned in our house.)

Does that make me a bad parent? I certainly hope not. Because few little girls could have parents so devoted to making sure she gets what she needs.



What Autism Can Look Like

Before Cordy’s diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder, I knew it might be a possibility. I had read blogs written by women with autistic children, I had devoured all of WebMD’s behavioral disorders topics. I looked at lists of symptoms and signs and red flag markers and yellow flag markers and warning signs. In the end, I would look at Cordy, scrutinizing each action and wondering if it matched one of those signs, or if I was reading too much into it.

(As a side note, there are huge debates on the topic of self-diagnosis thanks to sites like WebMD, and I could go on and on about the pros and cons of it. But that’s for another time.)

Since Cordy is my first-born, I had no other experience raising a child. I wasn’t really sure what was normal and what was not. The line is such a fine line when it comes to some behavioral issues that you can drive yourself mad trying to decide if it’s atypical or not. And without a visual example of some signs, I can’t be sure what to look for. Arm flapping I can visualize, but what about “restricted patterns of interest”? Maybe she just happens to like a certain toy? Or maybe it’s something else.

I stumbled across something today that I wish was around earlier this year when I was going through my internal turmoil of suspecting something was wrong with Cordy. The website Autism Speaks released its ASD Video Glossary this week. This is a site filled with over 100 video clips of kids who are neurotypical and kids who are on the spectrum, showing you some of the many subtle differences between kids who are showing typical development and those who appear delayed.

While watching some of the videos, I admit I was stunned by what I saw. In one, a child is given a plate, a cup, a spoon, a bottle and a stuffed Big Bird. The child pretends to feed Big Bird a bottle and holds the spoon to feed Big Bird, then pretends to feed himself. The child in the next video, though, is in the same situation, but chooses to examine the plate and bottle closely, banging them on the table and turning them over, completely uninterested in pretend play.

Cordy would have done the same as the second child – I had thought her to simply be a curious child at first. My little engineer, wanting to see how the world works. She wouldn’t have offered me a bite of imaginary food, and poor Big Bird would starve before she’d help him out.

The video glossary is by no means a complete guide to behaviors exhibited by a child on the spectrum. But it is a good start, and provides a decent cross-section of children at all functional levels, and at various ages. Watching the videos makes me glad that I trusted my gut instinct to have Cordy evaluated. She’s high-functioning, but the need for some therapy is still there. And seeing a couple of the video clips, showing a child before and after therapy, I think Cordy has a great chance of overcoming any obstacles in her way.

You do have to register to use the video glossary, but it’s completely free. If you worry your child isn’t developmentally typical, or just want to learn more, this is a very cool resource to check out.

(PS – This may read like an advertisement, but I can assure you no one contacted me to write about it. My step-father called to tell me about an article he saw featuring the site, and after watching several video clips I was so impressed I had to write about it.)

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