A Mommy Story

I feel like I’ve been trapped between worlds in the past month: not quite a fully-functioning member of my family, my job, or my community. It sucks.

My online presence has been far less than I’m used to, partially due to the incredible time commitment of my job. I’m feeling like a lousy friend to so many people, with my feed reader reaching new heights of negligence, updates on friends going ignored for the time being.

I occasionally get the chance to send out a tweet now and then, but I worry people ignore my tweets as nothing more than background noise. And I wouldn’t blame them, either. I’ve had so little to say lately that I’d consider interesting. The topics I do dwell on feel like a broken record: worried about Cordy and her school, bills hanging over our heads, feeling like a total noob at work, and my frustration with right-wing efforts to block health care reform.

(And OMG don’t get me started on the fake uproar over Obama’s speech to schools. I survived listening to Reagan more than once as a child and still don’t buy into Reaganomics.)

Work is going well, although I’m still adjusting to 12 hour days. When I do come home, I have every desire to get online, get involved in conversations, and catch up with friends. What actually happens is I collapse in my chair, eat dinner, lurk on several conversations on Twitter, maybe read a few blog posts without commenting, then fall asleep.

I’m also still feeling a lot of stress at work. I feel completely disjointed in trying to learn what I need to know for my job as I follow the nurse I’m working with that day who has the most interesting patient. Well, now I’m generally doing most of the work, hoping that I’m doing it right and wondering if I’ll ever remember it all. Add in doctors who are less than patient and quick to yell at you, and I go home every night feeling like a complete screw up.

Of course, I miss my kids. No matter how crazy they make me, I still hate going days at a time without seeing them. (And no matter how much I completely and utterly trust Aaron to care for them, I still feel I’m better at it. I think it’s a mom instinct thing.) I hate not having time for them because I’m exhausted or because I have other chores I need to do, like paying bills or errands. And Aaron and I are kind of like ships passing in the night – we have little to talk about, so we spend most nights in our separate corners of the living room, watching TV or working on our computers.

I’m trying to be a superwoman who does it all, but in the end I’m doing none of it well.

I know I’m isolating myself away from friends when I’m not online, or when I’m lurking and no one knows I’m there. That’s the one downside of social media and digital neighborhoods – it’s far easier to pull away from everyone who cares about you when they can’t call or show up at your house and force you to stop listening to emo music and come out of your dark, dreary shell already, dammit.

I don’t like admitting that I might be depressed again. It frustrates the hell out of me, because I’m sick of fighting it off, tired of letting some small part of my brain get the better of the rest of me. I’m also embarrassed to feel so down about my life when I know so many have it far worse than me. Here I am whining about work being tough and missing my kids when I should be grateful I’m supporting my family with my job. Sheesh – sometimes I can barely tolerate myself.

I already have a yearly physical scheduled with my doctor (for late October – I got an appt. with my dermatologist a full month earlier than that – upside down world, eh?), and it looks like I may be bringing this topic up then as well. I don’t want to go back on meds, but if there’s no other choice, I will.

In the meantime, I’m going to make a better effort to socialize with friends, online and in person, and to use the magical endorphins of exercise in an attempt to boost my mood. (Let’s not talk about how little I’ve exercised since BlogHer. It’s not something I’m proud of.) Maybe I’ll get the hang of my new routine before October and I’ll look back on this and wonder why I felt so worried?

Or maybe I’m once again trying to tackle something larger than I can handle by myself?