Archives for 2013

Nightmares Feeding On Mom Anxiety

Do you ever have those dreams that are so real that you wake up startled, disoriented, and trying to determine if it actually happened or if now, awake in your bed, is the true reality?

Now what about nightmares?

My sleep was disturbingly interrupted by one of those nightmares this morning. This one was worse than many because it didn’t involve any danger to me, but instead to one of my children. And unlike other bad dreams where I can wake and realize any danger was highly unlikely and improbable, this one involved a very real scenario that left me shaken and unable to go back to sleep.

In my nightmare, Mira died. It was a very life-like situation: she wasn’t with us (I can’t remember if she was at school or with family) and she choked on a bit of hot dog. The horrific scene played out where we received the news, and then planned her funeral. I remember sobbing that I’d never hug her again or see that impish smile. I tortured myself with “what if?” – what if she had been with me that day, what if she had only picked a different food or someone had cut up the hot dog better for her, or what if I had never encouraged her to like hot dogs? I remember walking into her room and seeing her favorite stuffed animals on the bed, and I was overcome with grief.

And then I woke up.

Terrifying, right? It took me several minutes to calm my breathing, wipe the tears out of my eyes and realize I could hear Mira arguing with her sister downstairs, perfectly healthy, perfectly alive. My mind was still on fire with the false memories from the dream, trying to push them aside and write them off as fears conjured into a hellish scenario for my brain to process.

The half hour remaining before my alarm went off was useless. I tried to go back to sleep, in the hope that more sleep would erase the lingering images from my mind, but the danger had been laid out for me and I couldn’t stop thinking about what I needed to do to prevent this from becoming a reality. After all, I had just bought hot dogs for Mira at the grocery last week after she asked for them – was this some warning, or just my mind arranging a random collection of thoughts and memories then taken to the extreme end?

I do occasionally worry about Mira choking. The kid is a talker – an excessive talker – and that includes while she’s eating. I’m often reminding her to chew and swallow, then talk. How easy would it be for her to accidentally inhale a piece of food?

And the concept of choking is one I’m personally familiar with. When I was five or six, my babysitter had given me some of the candy orange slices as a treat. (You know, the thick, sugared gummy-jelly wedges?) I was so happy to get them that I inhaled them. Literally.

I ate the first two without any trouble as I looked out the back door, trying to finish them so I could go out to play, but when I popped the third one into my mouth, it accidentally slid too far back and got stuck. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t yell for help. I remember the confusion and then the panic as I tried to cough or swallow to dislodge the candy. My babysitter was two rooms away and I didn’t think I could make it to her.

I walked from the kitchen to the living room, starting to hit myself in the chest, begging my lungs to work as I became light-headed. I remember stumbling over the rug (her rug had tripped me on many better days as well) and landing with my chest on the arm of the couch. And that did it – the candy popped up enough for me to cough it out. My throat burned as I gasped for air.

My experience could have ended far worse, and to this day I still won’t go near orange slices candy. I know Mira has trouble focusing on any single task, so I guess it’s only natural that I’d have a nightmare about her choking.

The hard part now is getting the nightmare out of my mind. As parents, we only have so much control over our children and we can’t guarantee their safety 100% of the time. Letting a child out of your site, even for a moment, is trusting that you’ve surrounded your child with the safest possible world and the best teaching, and that they’ll remember what you’ve taught them.

But there is no absolute safety. There are always risk, accidents you have no control over, and dwelling on all of the what if’s will only zap all of the joy out of being a parent.

When I came downstairs this morning, I sat on the couch next to Mira and she immediately threw her arms around me and said “I love you, mommy.” I pulled her close to me as she nuzzled her face into my neck, and hugged her tight.

That was my restart for the day. Instead of thinking about possible danger, I’m choosing to focus on the great moments I have with my kids. Because if something bad should ever happen to any of us, I want to know that our days were filled with love and happiness.

If anything, the nightmare was a good reminder to notice the little moments of joy in each day.

This kid cracks me up.


Ring In The Chinese New Year At Molly Woo’s

Did you know the Chinese New Year begins on February 10? It’s a little like the western New Year, only a longer celebration with no pesky resolutions to keep up with.

The Chinese New Year is based on the Chinese lunar calendar. The holiday begins on the first day of the first lunar month in the Chinese calendar and ends on the Lantern Festival fifteen days later. Each year is traditionally represented by one of 12 animals. This year brings the year of the Snake.

There are several celebrations going on around Columbus for this holiday, and I found out earlier this week that one of my favorite Asian restaurants will be kicking off the New Year in style. Molly Woo’s Asian Bistro (in Polaris, if you’re not familiar) will be hosting the symbolic Chinese Lion Dance on February 10 at 4pm.

The classic ritual of the Lion Dance is held to ring in the New Year and bestow good luck to those who witness it. What should you expect? Colorful costumes, dancing, drumbeats and cymbals are all part of the festive event. It’s family friendly and a fun way to introduce kids to Chinese culture.

There will be special dishes served only during the Chinese New Year festivities, and anyone born in the year of the Snake can show ID and get a coupon for a free appetizer on their next visit. (Not me, sadly. I was born in the year of the Dragon. But Aaron can get one!)

If you haven’t been to Molly Woo’s, this is a great time to go. I highly recommend the Honey Chicken and the Szechwan Green Beans, but really, you can’t go wrong with anything on the menu. They even have a gluten-free menu for those who can’t have gluten, like my poor husband.

Giveaway!

Want to check out Molly Woo’s yourself (or just visit again)? I’ve got a $25 gift card to Molly Woo’s to give away to one reader. Please be aware that there is only one Molly Woo’s restaurant and it’s here in Columbus. Unless you’re willing to travel here, those from outside the area might not want to enter.

How to enter: leave me a comment below telling me what Chinese animal represents your birth year. Not sure of the Chinese zodiac? You can find a guide here. One comment per person, and please make sure I have a way to contact you if you’re selected as the winner.

This is a short-running giveaway! Entries will be accepted until Monday, February 11 at noon ET. One winner will be randomly selected shortly after the entries close so your gift card can reach you as soon as possible. You should still have time to visit during the Chinese New Year celebrations, although the gift card has no expiration so you can go at a later date as well.

Good luck, and good eating!

Full disclosure: I was provided with a Molly Woo’s gift card for this giveaway as well as a matching one for myself. All opinions expressed here are my own, including my love for any bright, loud celebrations.



The Invisible Dad At Costco

It was just last year that my family discovered the wonders of Costco, and we’ve been hooked ever since. The brands you can’t get anywhere else, the deals on clothing and basic pantry staples, and of course the samples! You can easily have yourself a mini-lunch by wandering the aisles and trying all of the samples on a weekend.

Usually I’m the one who does the Costco shopping, but yesterday Aaron went to Costco with Cordy while I ran other errands with Mira. Costco’s samples work magic on Cordy – the kid who is always scared to try new things is somehow more likely to try a new food with a grandmotherly figure offering it to her in a warehouse store. I can’t explain it.

But when Aaron got home, he was a little annoyed at the trip. They tried lots of samples, but he ran into a slight obstacle. At nearly every sample station, the workers (who Aaron has now dubbed the little old lady mafia) looked at Cordy and asked, “Where’s your mom? You can have one if she says it’s OK.”

Now, I know it’s always Costco policy that a parent must be present for a kid to get a sample. That’s a perfectly safe practice to make sure a child isn’t eating something they’re not allowed to have, or could have an allergy to. I support that policy entirely.

The first time someone said that to Cordy, Aaron was further down the aisle, so it was very possible that she didn’t notice that Cordy’s dad was trying to catch up to her and nodding that it was OK.

However, Aaron said that every other time he was standing right next to her – close enough to indicate they were shopping together – when she was asked where her mom was or told she’d need to ask her mom before she could have one.

And it was never “You’ll need to ask your mom or dad.” Dad was completely left out of the statement and apparently ignored even when he was standing with the cart right next to Cordy. He felt invisible to them, at least when it came to being recognized as a parent. I’m certain Cordy would have been talking to Aaron and probably tugging on his arm to ask if she could have a sample, so it’s puzzling how that connection would have been missed. Multiple times, too.

I’ll admit, I found his tale a little funny, but I can see how Aaron felt like his role of dad wasn’t as important to the sample handlers. Getting mom’s approval for Cordy to have a sample seems a little extreme when dad is right there and telling her she can have one. It’s certainly not a situation requiring a call for my blessing.

We still love Costco, but I hope in the future they’ll be more sensitive to dads in their training. It’s not a great amount of effort to say “If your mom or dad says it’s OK.” In 2013, moms aren’t the only ones doing the shopping, and we’re not the only ones taking the kids with us to shop. Aaron is just as capable of giving permission for Cordy as I am.

This is, of course, a lighthearted example for equal rights (Aaron was bothered by it, but not utterly offended), but the lesson still holds true. We’ve fought hard to gain more acceptance for women in the business arena, and I think it’s only fair to give equal acceptance to men in the domestic arena.



Home (Mis)Adventures

Remember back in March when I had all these grand ideas of getting domestic and making some much-needed updates to our house? It was all good intentions, but other than clearing out a bunch of clutter, nothing else has been done.

Don’t get me wrong – clearing out the clutter has been a HUGE undertaking alone. It’s amazing what nine years of “just put that there and we’ll deal with it later” can do to every closet and corner of your house.

Example? This is only part of what came out of our hall closet:

The box in the foreground is STUFFED with reusable shopping bags.

I found my BlogHer ’07 swag bag at the bottom of that closet, along with business cards from several bloggers from years ago. The majority of the closet was reusable shopping bags. Forget the plastic bag crisis – we now have a reusable shopping bag crisis. Where’s the Pinterest boards for recycling your reusable shopping bags into something decorative or useful when you don’t need the hundreds of bags you have? Even my Costco trips don’t require that many bags.

The closet looks a lot more empty now. Considering we have no basement and that closet is the only safe spot in the house in the event of a tornado, it’s nice to know we won’t have to throw five feet of bags and junk out of it just to fit inside.

The swanky red plaid hunting jacket needs to be returned to my mom.

But every other project I had planned was stalled due to a lack of time and money. It helps that we’re now back to two full-time incomes (yay!) but the debt left behind from previous periods still has to be addressed.

A few months ago, I looked into refinancing our house to free up some extra money. We had an FHA loan and I learned about the streamline FHA refinance program, which is supposed to be an easier way to refinance the mortgage, with fewer requirements and relaxed standards. Seeing how the value of our house has declined as we paid down the mortgage – to the point that it’s worth about what we still owe – it sounded like the perfect program for us to lower our interest rate and payments.

Believe me, folks, getting a mortgage is nothing like it was in 2003. In 2003 we filled out an application and then went to closing when our house was ready, signed some papers, and received money back at the closing. Our down-payment was covered, and there was practically no verification of anything. It felt like a relaxing day out with a new house at the end of it.

Now? There are a lot more hoops to jump through. And they’re smaller. And possibly on fire, too.

Despite this being a streamline refinance, with no appraisal needed and fewer requirements from us regarding income and debt, it was not an easy process. I think it was easier for Aaron to get his military security clearance than it was for us to prove our employment and income.

We went through our current lender because they offered us a discount on closing costs. After filling out the initial application and mailing it back, we were told that a few forms were missing and asked to fax them back immediately. I remembered filling those forms out, but whatever – I faxed them in again.

A week later we were told additional documents were missing and they needed them ASAP. Funny, again they were forms we had already filled out, including one that I had sent back twice already. Fill out, fax, repeat. This happened another round as well.

Then there were issues documenting my employment and income. Now understand: we were using our current lender to refinance to a lower interest rate so we could pay less for our mortgage each month. We have a perfect record of (higher) payments for our mortgage, so why such concern over our ability to cover the lower payments?

Finally, a closing date was set, 83 days after the application started and 7 days away from losing our rate lock. Even two days before closing, another hoop was placed in front of us, as they demanded to see that we had the closing costs in our checking account before they could finalize everything (this was never mentioned before), and so money had to be shifted around and a method of proof found.

This morning, despite my fears that they’d find another reason to make it not happen, we signed all of the paperwork and closed on our new mortgage. We’re saving over $200 a month on our mortgage now, which will mostly be used to help finance all of the improvements we want to make around here. I’m almost giddy at the thought of picking out paint and getting estimates on the breakfast bar I want to add to the kitchen.

I’m definitely not a DIY blogger, but I’m planning to detail some of the changes we make to the house going forward. Or at the very least it’ll be a “what not to do” series.



Twice Execeptional: Twice the Fun, Twice the Challenge

I generally get nervous when I see the elementary school’s phone number appear on our caller ID. In the past two years, I’m pretty sure they’ve only called with something positive once or twice. Generally the call is either from the school nurse, letting me know one of my children displayed her superhuman ability to be clumsy and injured herself, or Cordy’s teacher letting me know about some incident where she got in trouble or had a panic attack.

So when I received a phone call from the school recently, I didn’t answer it because I was already on the phone trying to make an appointment for Cordy with an occupational therapist. After the trouble she had earlier this school year with her anxiety at school, we set up an appointment with her pediatrician to discuss what to do. He recommended an OT he knows to help Cordy get through her anxiety. We agreed we don’t want to consider medication yet, so this is our first step towards helping her cope with her constant anxious state.

The school left a message, so I knew it had to be something important, but at least a voicemail gave me time to react and process whatever they said before I had to call them back. I played the message, and it was from the school psychologist.

He mentioned that Cordy had been doing some testing with him as part of her three-year evaluation (all kids with special needs services are evaluated every three years to make sure they still qualify) and he wanted me to call him back to set up a time to go over all of the cognitive testing he did with her. He also mentioned what an interesting and delightful child she was, so I at least knew the testing couldn’t have been a complete disaster.

I didn’t know that he had been testing Cordy. Two weeks before that, a woman from the gifted and talented department came to the school to evaluate Cordy, and days before the psychologist called we had received her results. Cordy had an impressive score on a cognitive abilities test, earning her the label “superior cognitive” on her school record. It’ll help provide more gifted ed services for her, and I was proud of the score, but it was only one test and she had a particularly good day that day.

I wondered if the psychologist’s evaluation would match up with her recent testing? We didn’t know he was testing her, so we had no way to prep her like we did for the gifted ed department’s testing.

There was no hesitation in calling him back. As soon as I said my name, the school secretary knew why I was calling and transferred me to the school psychologist. He was only supposed to set up a time to go over the results in person, but he was bursting with excitement to give me the highlights of what happened from testing her that morning.

The good news: she still qualifies for special needs services. She meets the criteria for autism (no surprise there), although he said the only presenting issues at the moment are her anxiety and her deficit in social skills. Again, no surprise.

But then came the even better news. He used multiple testing methods for her, and said she’s one of the smartest eight year olds he’s ever seen. Her IQ testing resulted in a 139, with a verbal score of 143. On one verbal abilities test, she had a perfect score. I was stunned into silence as he explained that he’s been working in elementary schools for eleven years and Cordy had the highest scores he’s ever seen.

One example he gave was in analogies: he said to her “flour is to bread like…” and she answered back with “like hydrogen is to water!” Her science vocabulary was especially impressive. (Thanks to Netflix and the full series of the quirky Beakman’s World on instant streaming – our #1 source for science lessons!)

We met yesterday and went over the full results. I’m so proud of Cordelia. He said she was enthusiastic about the testing, as if she really liked the challenge to prove what she knows, and was incredibly sweet and charming. He also started the thought in my mind that the public school may not have enough resources to fully provide for her education at the level she’s at. We’ll need to consider supplemental resources to keep her engaged and wanting to learn.

I’m trying not to brag, but it’s so fantastic for a parent to get good news about their child. And honestly, the confirmation of her cognitive skills creates several issues for me. We always knew Cordy was bright, but to get confirmation that she’s highly gifted means I need to pay closer attention to making sure she’s challenged and getting material at her level. At the same time, her anxiety really needs attention now, since it tends to flare up when she feels something is too hard. It’s a delicate balance.

Technically this makes Cordy “twice-exceptional” (also called “2e”), meaning she’s both gifted and special needs. I have a child who still can’t wear jeans because she can’t reliably work a button but can explain the meaning of the word dehydration. I found this chart on the wiki page for twice exceptional, and aside from a couple of items, it’s an eerily accurate description of my daughter.

Stubborn? Imaginative? Sensitive? Yes. Perhaps not the sophisticated sense of humor…

So now that I’m armed with this knowledge…I have no idea what to do next. She’s doing well in school, but nothing particularly outstanding. I know she’s bored on some level, but also resistant to being pushed to learn new things faster. We’re moving forward with occupational therapy in the hopes it can help her developing coping mechanisms to deal with anxiety.

She’ll be eligible for the school’s gifted classroom in fourth and fifth grades, and will continue to have limited gifted instruction until then. We can’t really consider the possibility of private school because they’re just too expensive around here. There is financial aid, but we’re in that boggy middle ground where we make too much to qualify for aid, but would be on a ramen noodle budget to pay for private school.

I’m sure there have to be resources out there for twice exceptional kids, possibly even in our community. It may be time to spend a day with Google to see what’s out there, either in enrichment activities or parent groups or any other kind of support. I was a gifted student myself, so I have some idea of how to help Cordy with that. It’s incorporating it with the autism that makes it a little harder.

All of this, of course, is nothing more than labels and changes nothing about the cheerful, quirky, loveable little girl we have. But those labels do give us more insight into why she does what she does, and can help provide the justification for arranging educational experiences that will provide the most benefit for her.

Gifted or not, autism or not, she’s still our Cordy, and we have the responsibility to do what’s best for her (and Mira), just as any parent does. But hopefully we have a better map to guide us towards what she needs going forward.

I love that kid and her sister so much. They’re exceptionally sweet and quirky, and I wouldn’t have them any other way.

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