A Mommy Story

Hi Everyone! Please welcome Divine Calm as my guest blogger for the April Blog Exchange. You can find me at her site today!
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Certain memories trigger uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. They usually involve my standing on the precipice of the past, ready to dive into the future—all while praying I don’t land on my head. Like the time when I started eighth grade and decided to reinvent myself from nerd to outgoing social diva. I was so successful that I lost my virginity. Or during my freshman year in college, where I was away from home for the first time and flirted with the local college boys. That year, boys triumphed over classes. Like so many freshman girls, I forgot why I was there or who I was. The boys’ point of view validated or belittled my worth.

The last time I tried to transform myself occurred when I started my first job after college. Wearing new suits bought on clearance, I so badly wanted to appear polished and confident. I wasn’t. Frequently, my face reddened when I met important people like my former college’s president or when my boss corrected my grammar in front of others. Runs in panty hose plagued me, and I discovered bullies shut up when I verbally slammed them back. In order to survive, I learned that I had to first look for the bad in people instead of discovering the good.

It’s been over five years since I began my first grown-up job, and soon I will lunge into a new life. Am I nervous? Not really. For some reason—perhaps maturity or boredom—I yearn for the upcoming plunge where everything—city, career, and friends—is new but me. This time, I won’t transform myself. I will simply allow myself to be who I always was, only hidden. I will be goofy, loving, honest, disorganized, and open. I will call myself artist, writer, photographer, thinker, marketer, and lover. Even better, people will call me these things too. I will no longer meld into the ego prop for insecure people just to be kicked out from beneath them later. My relationships and friends will be healthy.

By saying all of this, I reaffirm my own healthiness. What a freeing way to begin anew.

You can read more about Divine Calm and view her photography at her website, www.divinecalm.com.

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This post is part of a monthly blog exchange, held on the first of every month. We all write on a topic (this month is New Beginnings) and post on another person’s blog as a way to gain new readers and find new blogging friends. This month’s participants include: Christina, Kristen, TB, Chase, Mel, stacy, Julie, Laurie, Mabel, and Vicki. If you would like to participate, please email Kristen at kmei at yahoo dot com.