A Mommy Story

We’re both feeling much better today, although I think Cordelia was kind enough to pass her cold on to Aaron and I. Ah well, I can deal with a cold.

As we approach summer, I’m trying to get my body ready so we can try for baby #2 later this year. One thing I’m considering is getting off any medications I’m on. For those who have been reading this blog for some time, you may remember that I suffered from postpartum depression. Well, that’s not quite true. I suffered from pregnancy depression first, and it was bad enough to need antidepressants while pregnant.

I hated taking any risks with medications while pregnant, but in this case, the depression was more dangerous than the medication risks. Since I was depressed during pregnancy, there was an extremely high chance that postpartum depression was not far off also.

Even with my antidepressants, I was still a sobbing mess those first few weeks after Cordy was born. I questioned if I was ready to be a mother, since I couldn’t even enjoy my baby with the help of drugs. I felt guilty that I was so disconnected from my newborn.

Luckily, I realized that this was only a temporary time, where the hormones were being dumped out of my body faster than a mob informant being dumped into the Hudson with cement shoes. No matter how good the drug, it simply can’t keep up with a hormone exodus of that scale. After a few weeks, I adjusted, the drugs adjusted, and things were about as normal as things can be with a newborn.

It’s been over a year and a half since Cordy was born, and I’m still on the antidepressants. I was on two, and I successfully weaned myself off of one. Now I wonder if it is time to wean off the second one? The drugs have been a big help, no doubt. But how do I know when it’s time to quit?

A part of me wants off the drugs. Not only is the prescription expensive, but I’m curious to know if I can function normally again without it. I also would like to be off any medications before pregnancy #2, just to play it safe. I know that my current antidepressant is one of the safest out there for pregnancy and nursing, but even if it is safe, I’d rather go with no drugs than a safe one.

However, a small part of me asks, am I really ready? I remember those days of depression, feeling as if a dark cloud was hanging over my head. Nothing made me happy at the time. I was pregnant, with a child I had planned for and wanted more than anything, and even that didn’t make me happy. I felt so hopeless and helpless, and wondered if I was going crazy. I don’t want to feel that way again. I’m scared to feel that way again, because I don’t want Cordy to ever see those dark moods.

Am I ready to wean off? Am I crazy for agonizing over this decision so much? I’m a little embarrassed by this, because I feel like a druggie, saying I can stop anytime I want to, really. The difficulty lies in the fact that with the help of antidepressants, I feel good. That’s what they do – they make you feel good. But how do I know if I’d feel good again without them? That’s the tricky part. While not addictive like heroin or other feel-good drugs, antidepressants can pull you into a dependency, leaving you to fear going off of them and slipping back into that dark place again. Damn you, pharmaceutical companies. Your pretty blue pills sucked me in and now I fear going off of them and then begging others for a hit of Zoloft.

I think I’m going to try it. After all, if it doesn’t work, I can always refill my prescription again. But hopefully the old me will resurface, no worse for wear, and I can continue feeling good, only without the drug backup.

Besides, who can be unhappy when you have a cute kid like this: