It’s Saturday night, Cordy is upstairs asleep, and I’m sitting downstairs alone. It’s days like this I feel chained to this house and a handmaiden to Her Royal 3ft. Highness.
This weekend, there is a 24 hr. science-fiction movie marathon in town. Aaron has gone to this every year since he was a kid, so of course he must be there. I don’t know if he’d even be willing to leave if I went into labor, because, let’s face it – the movie marathon was a part of his life long before I was. I can’t blame him – he and the marathon are only a few years from their Silver Anniversary.
In our child-free years, I loved going with him to the movie marathon each year. It’s a fun mix of good sci-fi movies combined with a lot of cheesy B-movies from the 40’s and 50’s, sprinkles with some short-subject features in-between. In other words, it’s a geek’s paradise. Once Cordy was born, it was more difficult for me to keep going, because we had a baby that needed cared for. I missed one entirely, and the other I went to the daytime part of the marathon, but then had to go home for the overnight part of it to relieve the babysitter.
This year, we bought a ticket for me, but it looks like I don’t get to spend much time there at all. My mom was my babysitter, but decided that she was only staying until 4pm today. The marathon started at noon, and I had to work until 1pm today, so I saw a grand total of half a movie. My aunt has agreed to watch Cordy tomorrow morning, so I can go back and watch the very last movie tomorrow morning.
As I was expressing my disappointment to my mom, she sighed and said to me, “Tough luck. You’ve got a kid now, so you can’t just go out and do shit like this anymore.” The words stung as much as a slap in the face. This was the first time she’s said it so matter-of-factly. When it comes to work or other important things, my family is always willing to help with babysitting, but when I ask them to watch Cordy so Aaron and I can do something fun, I’m often met with an unsaid disapproval, as if I no longer should have the right to do anything fun.
I know that having kids means sacrifice. You can’t do as much as you used to, you have more responsibility, blah, blah, blah. But I don’t remember signing away my entire freedom as a human being when I became a mom. And I don’t feel like I should have to give up everything that makes me “me” just because I’ve added the title of “mommy”.
I already feel like a shell of my former self – in discussing hobbies with Aaron last night, it occurred to me that he still has several hobbies that he enjoys, while I can barely think of any that I still do. Oh sure, there’s blogging, and every now and then I’ll break out my knitting. But if I had to make a list of my interests right this minute, it would be a pretty small list compared to the list I could have made 5-7 years ago.
Believe me, I hate asking people to babysit. I’m aware that no one finds Cordy as charming as we do, and I always feel guilty asking friends or family to give up their free time to sit at our house while Cordy pesters them for “Bwue’s Baby Bwudder?” and “ice cweam!” Because of this, date nights and time away are carefully considered before asking anyone. I do understand that as parents we can’t run out to dinner and a show anytime we want, and we try to balance our need to get out with our responsibilities.
But sometimes that hollow feeling inside of me reaches a near-vacuum state, forcing me to get out and do something fun with friends or (gasp!) spend time with my husband as a couple and not just as parents. And if I’m denied the chance to ease that emptiness, the darkness of depression flows over me and I’m left stuck at home in tears, resenting being a parent even though I know deep down that I’d never want to give up being a parent for anything.
It’s not like I want to go out to wild parties every weekend. Just a little time here and there would be nice. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. And I don’t think it’s fair to believe that parents have no right to do something fun now and then because they have a child. Who can live under the pressure of being all mommy, all the time?
Do you ever, occasionally, miss the freedom from your child-free days? How do you keep your own identity from being lost in mommydom?
I must confess that I often miss my Mommy Free Days. I love my children with all of my heart and would do ANYTHING for them but those people that say, “I can’t imagine life without my kids…” Yeah, I CAN imagine life without them. I don’t wish for life without them, but I can imagine it…
You are so not alone.
Well, just remember that it TRULY isn’t forever. When Cordy’s 6 or so, and the baby is a toddler, you will be freer. I know, I know 3 YEARS away. But it’s not a life sentence! We are lucky that my MIL is the type to call us and ASK us for the kids… OVERNIGHT even! So I don’t have the issue of my family not understanding that we are grown-ups that need to keep their marriage healthy! BY BEING ALONE!! I’m sorry you missed the sci-fi marathon… maybe next year?
I’m on my own tonight as well, and using the time to mark exams…fun.
I have forgotten a lot about what it was like in those child-free days of yore. Every once in awhile I recall staying up really late on a weekend and then sleeping in the next morning…and then I go back to my wilful amnesia. Better not to remember.
Date nights ARE important, though. Prioritizing your marriage, best thing you can do for your child, blah blah blah. Once a month is the recommended minimum (not that hubby and I go out that often either – and we’ve got parents who are happy to babysit so we can go out, but we don’t always have enough energy or brain cells to put together a plan).
I hear ya sister! Maybe that’s why I keep hanging on to my career, as a way of keeping an identity other than mommy.
The main reason I started blogging was to reclaim some sort of personal identity.
I hear you. So, so much.
Our families would be happy to baby sit more because they are always telling me that I need to get out and away from the kids now and then – and I know it’s true. But on a daily basis, *I* am the only parent actually parenting – even when Slipshod is home. It makes everything weigh on me even more, knowing that I can’t even have a break or eat a fucking meal without having to feed someone else – actually TWO someone elses, or take a shower by myself, because the children will probably not be watched.
I agree with what Julie said, about us not doing our kids any favors by not showing them what it’s like to have our own time for ourselves now and then. That’s a bummer that you are told to basically suck it up.
I can *so* identify. J too has several hobbies that always seem to occupy his free time. My family is also willing to help out but I am absolutely terrible at asking. I wish I had some good advice for you but I don’t! The only thing I can think of is to maybe find someone that you can set up a regular thing with, so that you don’t feel so much like you’re “asking” every time. I’ve thought of doing this with my niece; maybe an every-other-week evening for me and J. It is vitally important to get some alone-time with yourself and your hubby. I know J is feeling the neglect of that right now and I’m really looking forward to having a few “dates” in the near future. Good luck!
Wow. Um, I would feel really stung by what your mom said. In my family they want us to see *less* of the kids, so they keep bugging us to let them take them for a while.
The first few years are tough – and most moms need breaks intermittently. Now that my youngest will be four this summer, I can do more hobbies besides cooking & blogging. Good luck!
I agree with sarah, blogging became my main (only?) hobby when I became a mom, especially a mom to two. But I also learned that paid babysitting is the way to go. I know it’s hard if you’re going to school and don’t have the cash, but a babysitting swap or something… I now rarely rely on family members to babysit. Sorry about what your mom said to you. That doesn’t sound very nice.
I try and make sure that I get out on my own a few times a month. Otherwise I go batty. That also gives my husband some time alone with the kids. We occasionally have date nights, usually when family is in town to watch the kids.
Just remember they will only be little once and for a short period of time. You may not be able to go out much now while they are young but as they get older you will have more “me” time.
Well as I confessed in my recent Crying Post…I often miss the space I once had, and for me, that is integral.
And if I miss my outlets for too long, like you, it turns into dark days indeed.
I think your mom is wrong, and it would have (has felt) like a slap to hear that.
I don’t think we do our kids any favors by sacrificing ourselves entirely to them and the family. For one, they grow up expecting a servant. For two, they don’t learn about proper balance and boundaries.
We can’t do it like we used to, and I accept that (usually, sometimes with grace even). But that doesn’t mean we don’t get to do it at all.
We moved her for the benefit of nearby family (my ILs). However, because of the very attitude you describe, we’re right back to regular babysitters.
I’m VERY lucky to have a great neighborhood in which we have a co-op where moms trade babysitting.
I’m fairly nutso fairly often as it is, but I’d be stark raving nutters all the time if not for my support system of friends and my hobbies.
hey, I’m really sorry your mom said that to you. I would have wept at that, cause I’m trying so hard to stay me and be a good mom and keep my marriage more than just housekeeping. We all need these times away from our kids; sometimes it’s not easy to see how to find them. Often we serve our kiddos early kid-friendly dinner (new modern version of nursery tea?) We send them all to bed early (oldest child allowed to read in bed) and we make a nice adult dinner with wine or get Indian take out and beer so we can watch a movie together and speak as grown ups do when no one is listening. Recently we’ve been paying teenagers to come after our youngers one are asleep, they play a board game and tuck in our oldest and we go out for 2 hours…it’s pricey for us but sometimes a non-negotiable, probably cheaper than therapy, I’m thinking…
Wow… remind to to save this post for when mine have children so I may never emotionally smack the hell out of them like that. Then again, I remember that when we were young, this is what was the accepted rule of Mommyhood. Mom wasn’t anything other then Mom in those days, and it was a general rule then. I’m lucky enough though that Big Ug often forces me to leave the kids with him with promises that the house will not crash and burn without me there to watch it. He may not do things the same way I would, but he gets em done. Which I’ve learned to appreciate.
It’s not an uncommon thing, it’s in fact a natural thing to remember that you are more then cheeios and diapers, that you are an individual that didn’t always come with a child on the hip. It’s one thing to be Mom, it’s another to turn your entire identity into being that.
My suggestion? Look into babysitting swapping… or next weekend, tell the hubs it’s your turn and go be you for a day. You well deserve it.
Yep. I’ve gotten the comment, “Don’t you think it’s about time to give that up?” when I’ve mentioned a hobby I’m still trying to pursue. Not . . . giving . . . up . . . me!
i’m sorry you had to hear that, and i don’t think it’s true. there are plenty of things i used to do, stay up late, read lots of books, paint, scrapbook. these things have fallen by the wayside with the mommy role and a toddler who insists on getting up at 5am. someday they will be back, but i do miss them. i say find a teen you trust, or a college student? do you know any students on the teaching track? bound to like kids. pay them well, and don’t worry about your family anymore! maybe that’s how she felt when she was a mom?
Oh, yes. I understand this feeling.
Although my parents admit that they think my husband and I need some time alone once in awhile, their availability is usually such that I reserve asking for help unless it is an appointment or some other “non fun” thing.
Even so, I’ve had to cancel dentist appointments and such last minute because someone else needs to do something deemed more important. That certainly doesn’t happen often with Husband!
Christina, I feel the same way about this subject. It’s so hard to find time to go out and have fun without Dawson. And if I do manage to do it, I feel guilty for doing so. I hate that part of parenting.
Even though we’re entitled to free time so we don’t jump off a bridge, I still feel guilty.
And I get so irritated that Doug and I can never go away alone without Dawson. We always do things separately so the other can stay with our son.
For example this weekend I went to a scrapbooking convention for 3 days while Doug stayed home and next month he goes on a 3 day fishing weekend. And if we do go away together, it really isn’t more than a few hours and we feel bad leaving the Bug home with a sitter.
It makes me want to start a babysitting ring with other parents called “Free Babysitting, No Guilt Allowed, Rotation, Weekends One A Month.”
Wouldn’t that be great?
Wow, I think your mom and mine must have read the same book. My mom has said that to me numerous times. She was a SAHM and didnt go back to work until my younger brother was in HS> She never did anything outide of being a wife and mom until we were much older, and then it only revolved around our activities. I think she is a bit resentful that I have a life outside of my kids. I work, I have friends that I enjoy spending time with and activities that I continue to participate in. My mom is always telling me I should spent more time with my family! Thankfully I have a very supportive husband who also has interests to we do take turns getting out to do “grown up” things. Now that our kids are older its easier. I think it’s very important to hold onto the parts of your life that you had pre-kids. Well, not the all night partying, but anything that made you YOU….My husband and I also made a point to take a small vacation alone without the kids everyyear. A long weekend or a few day, just to be together. Its necessary for your sanity!
Do I miss my child-free days? Hmmm, let me see…um….YES!
I don’t get to do hardly ANY of my hobbies anymore. I used to take a ton of pictures, both of family and artistic shots. I kept up with it a little when I just had CJ, but when the baby came along, forget it, I have no time. So, yes, I truly miss my “me” time. But I also like being a mom, and once they’re all grown up, I’ll get back to my hobbies. Photography’s not going anywhere.
And I’m going to try and make it out this Friday, depending on how Andrew is feeling. But as of right now, I’m coming.
Oh I’ve been there many times. But at least you realize that you need time alone with Aaron in order for you both to keep your sanity and to keep your marriage strong. I’m sorry that you’re getting grief from your mother…it’s not like you ask her to sit all the time! Thankfully my MIL wants to babysit all. the. time., so we can easily get away from time to time. You should find someone you trust to hang out with Cordy now and then while you two can go out, especially before #2 comes along and you really have no time!
I feel like i just wrote this. I am going thru the same thing. It is very sad
Oh, you mean like right now? At Disneyworld? While everyone else is at the fireworks and I am here in a hotel room alone blogging while the kid sleeps?
Yes. Yes, Christina. The kid won’t even nap anymore.
I’m running on empty.
I hear you on this loud and clear.
Damn, I feel so lucky for my “Do Whatever I Want To” Thursday nights. Partly what makes it possible is us working together and being able to see each other all day long, but partly it’s just because I insist on it. I need time to go to pottery class or whatever I feel like doing that night. I *need* it. And as I was saying to a friend recently, I must be wired wrong – because I don’t feel guilty about it one little bit.
Try not to let ’em tear you down. You deserve that time too.
I know that ‘disapproval’ thing. I sometimes feel like I can’t even pay someone to watch my kids. Where did all of the teenage girls go who would watch kids for a few dollars an hour? And I’m talking $9 an hour and we still can’t get any interest. And my husband- who has no family- gets mad at me when my parents or family don’t want to watch the kids. The best you can sometimes do is make special time to eat dinner late just the two of you or watch a movie after the kids have gone to bed. I know a cheerio covered sofa at home doesn’t have the same ambiance as a dimly lit romantic restaurant but what is a mommy to do?!
I just told my husband last week that I kind of miss the days when we would be able to go out and do whatever we want, whenever we want, without an entourage of strollers, diaper bags, extra outfits, etc. etc. etc.
It’s normal to feel like that. Blogging and knitting are great, but an activity that takes you out of the house is ideal. I have my karate and it’s such a treat for me. It’s scheduled every week so it’s not an option. I’m going; that’s all there is to it. I’d highly recommend an activity outside the house. It does a Mommy’s mind good.
Wow, that was harsh! Did your mom ever get time away from you when you were little? Can she not appreciate that you might want to spend some time, alone, with your husband?
I wish I had some suggestions. Do you live near a college or high school? Would you trust a high school student to babysit Cordy? I used to babysit when I was in HS, but now, I’m not sure I’d trust my kids with a HS student. But maybe a college student in an Early Childhood Education program might be looking for some extra money once in a while.
If I actually knew people in real life, as opposed to my friends inside the computer, I’d work out some sort of babysitting exchange club – one night a month, swap with someone. I think that’s the kind of thing that sounds better in theory, though. Maybe stick with the college student thing….
I think it’s really hard not to get lost in mommy-hood. I know I had to fight and claw for some time away from my kids, but I only go to a friend’s house and I go by myself – my husband stays home. We hardly ever get a chance to go out just the two of us.