With the layer of snow still covering the ground, and two little girls with pent-up energy from being cooped up for days, we ventured out to the mall playground yesterday. (OK, so it was also so I could do a little shopping, but that’s beside the point.)
Aaron watched the girls play for about 45 minutes, and then I took over for the last bit. Not long after I sat down, Cordy came up to me and sat on my lap. “Can we go home now?”
Surprised by this request, I said, “Yes, we can go home as soon as daddy comes back.”
At this point a little girl walked up to us and said to Cordy, “Come on! Your red car is back! Come play!” At first I wondered what red car? She doesn’t have a red car with her…
Then Cordy’s face brightened. “OK!” she exclaimed, taking the little girl’s hand as she led Cordy to the other side of the play area. It was such a sweet scene to witness – this little girl was asking Cordy to come play! My heart grew three sizes in that moment as I imagined Cordy someday having lots of friends and charming other kids.
I watched them go up to an older boy in a brown shirt (he looked about 7), and he then produced a shiny red toy car from behind his back. He took off running, holding the car up high. The group of 4 or 5 kids around him ran after him, including Cordy. The other kids looked around 5 or 6, so I wasn’t concerned that an older kid was with the group.
The thought crossed my mind that this older boy might be teasing the other kids a bit, but I quickly let that thought fall away when Mira climbed onto my lap for some attention. Cordy was having fun with friends, so I was happy.
A minute or so later, I checked to see where Cordy was in the play area. At first I didn’t see her, but I saw the group of kids she was with. They all seemed to be leaning in towards something up against a play structure, crowded together and laughing. I saw the older boy lower his hand, with the red car in it, towards the kid I couldn’t see, saying “Here, you want this?” and then yank it back quickly, shouting “NO!” at the kid and laughing. The other kids roared in laughter in response.
I started to get a sinking feeling, which was then confirmed when I heard Cordy’s high-pitched shriek. I shifted my position and across the play area saw Cordy, sitting on the floor and cornered by this group of kids, reaching up and pleading to play with the car as the boy again thrust it in her face, only to pull it away as she touched it, shouting “NO! It’s MINE, dummy!” in her face and laughing at her as she shrieked again, half-covering her face and looking confused. The other kids were egging him on, saying, “Do it again!” and shouting at Cordy, “It’s not your car!”
At that moment my heart shattered into a million pieces.
A moment later, sensing my heart was no longer in any state to put up a fight, my rage began rising from my gut on a conquering march to my brain.
I stormed over there, with what little logic I still had in my head repeating a mantra of Don’t kill the kids…don’t kill the kids… Not trusting myself to say anything to these little monsters, I simply walked past them and scooped Cordy into my arms, saying, “C’mon, let’s go play over there. You don’t need to play with kids who are mean to you.”
The older kid, realizing the jig was up, and thinking himself smooth and savvy with adults, tried to act like nothing was wrong. “She kept asking for her car, but it’s mine. She thought it was hers.”
Again, I didn’t know what to say in that moment. I didn’t want to tell the kids she has autism – they probably have no clue what that means, and I didn’t need to further alienate her from them. In a pinch, I came up with, “Well, she doesn’t always understand that a toy isn’t hers. She’s not as old as you might think she is.”
“Well how old is she?” the little girl who brought her back to the bullying asked me. “Is she six?”
Apparently my Amazon child had fooled people once again. “No, she’s four.”
The little girl seemed unimpressed. “Well, my little sister is four. And she knows that some toys aren’t hers.”
OK, engaging these kids has clearly failed. Time to just make an exit, I thought. But then the older boy – that same chubby little ringleader who thought he was so much older and wiser than other kids, yet was teasing my daughter mercilessly – had to add one more statement to prove that he understood child psychology.
“Oh, I understand!” he cooed at me. “Little kids and babies don’t get that there are toys that don’t belong to them. You know…like dogs! She’s just like a dog – doesn’t know what is hers and what isn’t.”
At that point my rage was screaming in my head One swing! Just let me have one swing at him!! Meanwhile, I had ceased to breathe or move as I stood there and stared at him wide-eyed, as if he had two heads, one of which was a barking dog. Even my logic had given in, pointing out, Someday that kid is going to get his chubby little head knocked into a wall, and he will completely deserve it.
Finally wrestling my voluntary muscles back to my own control, I turned away from the mean kids and carried Cordy back to the other side of the play area. She buried her head in my neck, asking to go home. Aaron wasn’t back yet, so I checked to make sure Mira was still OK and sat Cordy down next to me.
“I want my red car,” she whined.
“Cordy, that car wasn’t yours.” I reminded her.
“It wasn’t? I want to go play with my friends.”
Damn, she didn’t even realize they were teasing her. “Cordy, those kids weren’t your friends. They were being mean to you.”
Cordy looked confused. “They were?”
“Yes, sweetie. They were teasing you and laughing at you. They weren’t being nice.”
“Oh.”
We’re not even to kindergarten yet and I’m already stressed out about bullies. I want Cordy to have friends and be happy, but as it stands her social skills aren’t very strong and kids, who pick up on any weakness, are quick to exploit hers. The only comfort at the moment is that she has no awareness that people are being mean to her – she is spared the hurt and the pain of being rejected by others. (While I currently bear the brunt of it.)
I know I can’t protect her forever, but the social world of children is a harsh and cruel one, often shaping a person for a lifetime. I should know – I was a misfit child who endured being the outcast, and the scars still burn. It’s probably because of my past that I worry so much about my daughter who isn’t always on the same plane of reality as the rest of us. Winning popularity contests isn’t my goal for her, but I do want her to have friends and know how to handle situations where other kids try to hurt her.
At this point in parenting, I feel lost. We’re entering a phase of her life that I didn’t do particularly well with, and she has additional challenges to make it even more difficult. I can’t be there to pull her out of these situations all the time, and I can’t even think of how scenes like this would end without me stepping in.
(And before anyone asks: No, I don’t know where their parents were. A group of parents sitting right by the gang looked on without any concern. The mall play areas lean towards a Lord of the Flies atmosphere on weekends when older kids aren’t in school. The majority of concerned parents have very young children, and hover over them continuously.)
That’s rough. I hate the mall play area on weekends and refuse to go. We keep our mall play area time on weekdays at midmorning strictly for the reason that you have written about today. My son is two years old and not ready to be mixed in with the big kids yet. I know these social slights are never easy to deal with and I wish you the best! I think you handled it very well. Much better than I would have…
Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. Kids can be so horrible sometimes. My heart breaks for you and for Cordy. I know just how much your heart hurts; I have felt that too. I think it is easier to take the pain for our kids than to let them feel it. Know that you made it through and Cordy will too. But, I know. Oh, I know. Hugs to you.
I am seriously worried about bullies too. Evan has some very obvious weaknesses and his social skills are not as strong as I would like either. I am starting to freak out about Kindergarten this fall. I am hoping that it is just my overprotective mommy feelings coming into play and that he will be just fine.
One time my mom was at the park with me and some kid was picking on me. She got so pissed that she dumped a bucket of sand on the kid. lol! You are not the only mom that has wanted to put the smack down on bullies.
Ooooh, I wanna kill that kid just reading about it. I don’t think I could have kept my temper in check had I been there. Hugs.
Ugh. I don’t know what to say. I’m dealing with bullies that aren’t even potty trained yet. (under 3) I personally would have told off the kid for picking on someone who has more challenges, but at the time, I doubt it would have come out any better than “poopy head”.
The hardest part for me to remember is that when a kid is doing something like that (seriously, comparing her to a dog, I would have tried not to deck him too) is that they are likely being treated horribly themselves. What the solution is, I don’t know.
Yuck – it takes an unimaginative kid to pick bullying as their favorite activity.
You did all the right things. I don’t know if I would have been able to keep my temper like you did. Hugs.
They sound horrendous. To argue back with you about YOUR child! I just don’t get it. You did do the best you could.
DuckyBoy rarely wanted to interact with the other kids at that age, and now at a big 6 he’s got some social savvy to deal with it.
There is one boy that DB complains about in his class who, every time I am at school, finds me and informs me DB was mean to HIM (and he names some specific way). He then literally waits expectantly for my response, like he’s trying to get DB in trouble.
I don’t take the bait, I just shrug it off and tell him they need to work it out with the teacher. And now he’s on my prayer list…
I’m so sorry. That sort of situation is so hard. What frustrated me the most when we had a similar situation was how my daughter just didn’t understand that the kids were being nasty to her and so wanted to go and play with them again.
Ouch. This made my heart ache, too. Kids can be so mean. I found Middle School to be the worst, with my daughter. Well, 4th through maybe 6th or 7th. I think puberty makes the meanies get even worse.
I’m so sorry that happened. I wish I had some advice, but I’ve got nothing. You did do the right things. I would have told that kid what his future held, for sure, and not using PG-rated words.
Oh, honey. That just breaks my heart. I am so sorry…
I’m glad you were there to witness it though. This opens up the lines of communication regarding teasing and bullying. Every kid experiences it, and usually, on both sides of the spectrum. It sucks that they were picking on her, but perhaps you can find a way to put a positive spin on it and explain to her why we should always be nice?
Hugs. I am proud of you for not swatting a kid or two… 🙂
You handled that a lot more patiently than I think I would. Though I’m sure you had Cordy’s feelings to consider when chastising the kids. What a struggle. Good job, Mama.
I know you face additional challenges due to Cordy’s autism, but the not realizing that the kids were picking on her? That could also in part be because she’s a nice kid with a great family. It just doesn’t occur to her that people can be deliberately mean. I had similar issues with Douglas at that age because he’s big for his age too.
All we can do is our best to help them through it. Sounds like you did an admirable job.
That is tough. So tough. Kids are terrible so often…it does get worse, though, unfortunately for some kids…
I totally would have flat out asked that kid where his parents were. Also, I might have take the car from him 🙂
I think you handled it well – I also think that the mall play areas should post notes that NO outside toys be permitted – ours has that note up and anytime any children “Hog” a toy it is easy for an adult to say you need to share those toys are for everyone …
good luck and don’t worry soon enough she will find friends that understand and respect her!
Ooooh!!!! I was sooo mad for Cordy and my heart was just breaking while reading your story!! I wanted to reach over there and give that mean big kid a big ol’ wedgie!!
Reading your story, I am recalling with similar rage how my daughter fared with some of her preschool “friends.” I am so sorry. I have no brilliant words to offer you up as solace except maybe this: it has taken me a long time to learn that my daughter’s sense of letting it roll over her and remain unaffected is the better route for me to take as well. (She is a professional at it and I am still just an amateur.)
That was just brutal. I am so sorry. But I am impressed you didn’t deck the kid. I would have seriously told him off. I’ve done so in the past.
Oh, I too would have wanted to smack that boy.
Luckily for me, I haven’t actually seen any ‘groups’ of kids taunting my little guy like that. I think you responded just fine as is.
Daisy
Even without Autism..my boy has had to learn that not all kids are his friends and that not all kids mean well…it has been a hard road..but he is beginning at 6 to get it.
And for my four year old..if someone says a car is there for them to play with it means it is THEIR car….
Poor Cordy…and poor you.
I would NOT have been as nice and polite to that boy..
I think you handled this just right. The bully obviously knew you were not happy, and his attempt to explain/justify his behavior shows that he knows it was wrong.
I think this type of thing is the hardest for me to deal with, too, and my kids are a lot older than yours. Anytime they get dumped by a “friend” for someone cooler I cringe and get filled with fear (what if they end up friendless?) which I know totally goes back to my own childhood. It’s really, really hard. Especially since I know that much of that is just part of growing up and hopefully they will learn empathy from it. (But I still fantasize about putting the mean kids in their place!)
Hi Christina,
I know exactly what you mean about that particular situation. Although my child doesn’t have autism, he was picked on so, so bad from kindergarten through 2nd grade. He is a very kind, sweet little boy who loves everyone and wants to be friends with all of the kids at school. He has a slight speech delay, so he was a super huge target to the other mean kids his age. After watching him endure 3 years of hell, we pulled him out of public school and now homeschool him. I have never wanted my kids to be mean, but just once I wished he would be mean right back! I am now trying to guide him in being nice but not a push over. The kids today just seem to be programmed to be mean. Its sad really.
Oh we need to do lunch SOON. Let me tell you all about the teasing and bullying my older son endured when we moved to our neighborhood. My last straw came last June when I told myself I wasn’t going through another summer with that crap, and when I saw the teasing starting up again (somehow he is the ONLY one that is teased), I went a little insane and knocked on all the parents doors to inform them that there was bullying going on right in their backyard and I’m not putting up with it! I got mixed reactions. One of the parents refuses to even look at me now, but hey, I’m my son’s advocate so I had to do something. Because my son had the same reaction as Cordy. They have no idea that the kids are being mean. In fact, my son still refers to the main ring leader girl as his friend and he misses her. Drives me crazy internally. The bully stuff really rattles a nerve with me.
I don’t know if I just don’t remember or if I had a lucky childhood – I don’t remember kids ever being so mean when I was younger.
I’m sorry that you have to deal with this, that your wonderful little daughter will have to deal with people being a-holes.
Oh man, excuse me while I go get myself some Kleenex, cause that just made me cry. I was bullied as a kid and still remember it now. It hurts being excluded, teased or provoked just for someone else’s enjoyment.
And while Cordy didn’t notice it this time, it’s hard knowing that one day, she will. Kids really are mean, and I don’t know how the mama bear in you didn’t rip that kid to shreds.
kids are so cruel. I almost cried reading that. how did you not kill that kid lol. My daughter was the same way, I said ok if a kid is being mean and making you cry they are NOT your friends.
I am so sorry this happened. Kids can be cruel. If I were you, I would definitely research to find the right school. Stuff like that is absolutely not tolerated in the school where I work (and where my children go to school). It’s a Catholic school, and there are special needs children in classes with typical kids, and almost every child in that school is filled with compassion that I never expected. It is a wonderful place, and I hope you can find something as good, if not better. I’m not saying private school is the perfect answer, but it’s worth looking into.
I freaking swear. My heart goes out to you both. I was the kind little girl who was exploited and it wasn’t until I was about 8 that I fully realized how malicious it really was. I too thought “they’re just playing with me!”
My mother finally admitted to me just a few months ago that she had no clue what she could do for me.
And when I envision being a mother and this happening to my kid… I don’t have any possible idea for what to do!
I’ve been suffering from my childhood all my life now. The knowing now that they teased me because I was a nice person who wouldn’t fight back… still doesn’t fully override the “Everybody hates me and I’m just the world’s punching bag.” feeling I drag with me everywhere.
Kids are SOOOO SOOOO MEAN!!! I literally cried when reading this. I want to hug Cordy and bring her over to my house to play with my kids ’cause they WOULD be her friends. Not all kids are assholes…some are compassionate and know and even CARE when another childs feelings are hurt. I know this because somehow I have been blessed with 3 wonderful children like this. OHHHH!!! I just don’t have words for how angry I am at that little turd – all of those little turds! I want to be 6 again so I could give all those little punks the serious ass beating they deserve! MAN!!! Thsi is going to be one of those stories I can’t get out of my head for weeks. But thank you for sharing because it makes me appreciate #1 – my compassionate children #2 be more aware of children who may be getting the short end of the social stick.
Oh my god. The RAGE you must have felt. I commend you for handling it the way you did. I don’t think I could have been so level headed. Seriously, I think at least half of motherhood is not stooping to the level of either other parents or children.
My heart was breaking for Cordy right along with yours as I read this. I know you won’t always be able to be there to advocate for her, but just know you are doing such a great job.
Oh my freakin God. That kid needs an attitude adjustment in the worst way. And by attitude adjustment, I mean a smack on his backside. Or some soap in his pie hole. Gosh, that is so awful. You described the situation so well, my heart was pounding right along with yours. My sadness, then anger, was right on cue with you. The saddest part? Those other kids saw that bullying is entertainment. They think it’s funny. Maybe your Cordy will grow up to stand up for the little guy. She can certainly give love where some is needed, I’m sure.
Loved your post at Lotus’ site, by the way.
Ok, some of you may not agree with me but I think the parents of these kids are largely at fault. You can’t tell me that they have no clue that their little Sally or Johnny bully other kids. You can see it in their personality. I’ve seen some parents revel in the fact that their little Johnny is not a wuss and can handle himself. I think the parents should be held accountable for their demon spawn , and for not straightening their behavior out. If you take the time to teach kindness and respect, your kids will have that for others. Hopefully, those bullies will meet their match someday and experience a taste of their own medicine.
Why do you say how happy you are that she didn’t realize how mean the kids were being yet you told her that she was just being made fun of?
I don’t say that to provoke, I’m curious. Are you trying to teach her how to interpret other behaviors because maybe she can’t interpret them on her own?
I agree, ignorance is bliss.
I would have said something to that kid, without a doubt.
Thanks for sharing the story.
Oh that is too bad. Kids can be awful. I don’t have kids but I am around them a lot and know this all too well. I am sure Cordy will make lots of friends though 🙂