Some days, being a parent is more like being a detective. Trying to find the truth between wildly different accounts of a situation can take a lot of time and effort, and in the end you’re still not sure if you know what really happened.
Last week was one of those situations.
It started on Thursday around 1pm when I was jolted awake by my cell phone. Since I work nights, I ask that no one call my cell during the day unless one of my children is hurt or I just won a million dollars. I answered the call and Cordy’s school nurse was on the other end. She said that Cordy had been knocked down by accident during recess and had a scratch on her arm, but it wasn’t bad. Cordy had been pretty upset about it, though, so they let her spend some time in the nurse’s office before sending her back to class.
I didn’t understand why a small scratch on her arm warranted a call home, but whatever. I went back to sleep quickly.
When Cordy came home that day, she wanted some computer time right when she walked in the door. As I sat with her at the computer, I asked to see the scratch on her arm – there was barely a mark there. But I noticed she was talking oddly, without moving her upper lip. A closer look revealed that her upper lip was split in the middle and swollen. The school nurse didn’t mention this?
I asked her what happened to her lip, and she didn’t want to tell me at first. But then the story came out: two boys came up to her in the field at recess and knocked her down. One sat on her while the other threw a kickball in her face. She said they both laughed at her and called her “weird” and that they’ve thrown things at her before.
I made her repeat the story to me several times that night. Unlike when she makes up stories, the details didn’t change and there were more details than she usually tells. She gave us their names. She told us she was afraid of them. And she insisted they called her weird and laughed at her.
You can imagine how furious I was. Just as I sat down to write an email to her teachers, an email arrived from her special needs teacher. In giving us the details of Cordy’s day, she mentioned the incident, although the details were different. She said Cordy claimed she was hit and was very upset, but the recess teachers saw it and it appeared to be an accident. There was no mention of the split lip, only the scratch on her arm.
I replied to her email and gave her Cordy’s version of the story. I said I couldn’t understand how accidentally knocking someone down could result in a split lip, or why Cordy would claim they laughed at her at called her weird. I mentioned that this sounded to me like bullying and I wanted it looked into further.
The response I received the next day provided an even more detailed view of the incident. Her teacher said that a group of kids – including Cordy – had been involved in a lot of play fighting during the week and it had become more rough each day. The teachers had told them to tone it down. Other kids had complained that Cordy was hitting them with her coat. Cordy’s teacher said she spoke with the boys and believes the play fighting may have accidentally become too real.
And then she said that she also spoke to Cordy and advised her to play around the playground equipment and not with the kids out in the field.
So now I’m left to piece all of it together. I believe the adults – Cordy was probably play fighting. I asked her about hitting other kids with her coat, and she said she did it only because they were doing it to her first. I’m not so blinded by love for my kid that I’m unwilling to admit she’d ever do anything wrong. We had a discussion about why it’s not OK to hurt someone just because they hurt you first, and I expect her to apologize to the kids she swung her coat at.
But I also believe what happened to Cordy was real. I don’t think she was knocked down on accident, and whether it was play fighting or not, she still ended up with a split lip and deserves at least an apology from those boys. I also believe that they called her weird and laughed at her. There’s no reason for her to make up something like that. Whether they were saying it “in pretend” or not, it’s still hurtful and should never be said to someone. Getting away with it now could lead to them thinking it’s OK in the future. I don’t want to aide a child on his first step towards becoming a bully.
So where’s the truth? It’s somewhere in between, but the more information I’m given, the more confused I become. I like Cordy’s teachers and her school, and want to believe them, but I also want to believe my daughter. Her part in the rough play at recess has been dealt with by us. But if she feels like she’s being bullied, it needs to be addressed. (And why didn’t anyone notice her swollen, cracked-open upper lip?) I hope there are programs in place to address bullying and the importance of accepting differences, and if not there need to be, even at the first grade level.
I was bullied as a kid for being different. I know how painful it is to feel like you can’t be yourself without someone ridiculing you, but even if you try to be someone else you still can’t ever fit in. Any self-esteem I had when I started elementary school was slowly shredded to pieces by junior high. Even things I should have been proud of – like being academically gifted – were marks of shame to hide once the bullies had their way with me. I never want Cordy to suffer what I went through.
Cordy is gradually coming to the understanding that she’s different. We’re gently introducing the topic of autism to her, framing it in a way to highlight the positive differences as well as the areas she struggles with that other kids may find easy. She still isn’t self-aware enough yet to completely get it, but hopefully the self-esteem building is getting through to her if nothing else is.
We are also teaching her that there are lots of other ways to be different, too. Some kids are great at sports, others can’t use their legs and require a wheelchair, and some kids just look very different from their classmates. All of these things make them different, but just as valuable and loved as any other kid. But hate, prejudice, and discrimination are not differences to value, and should never be tolerated.
For now I plan to keep an open communication with Cordy about this topic, making sure that no one else is calling her names and that she feels safe in her class. I’m sure we’ll discuss it more at the upcoming parent-teacher conferences as well.
Sigh…and people said the baby years were hard. Ha ha ha. Playing the role of Detective Mom has me in far more unpleasant situations than ever faced by even the worst blow-out diaper.
I am glad that she is okay. When the girls were in elementary school they had a zero fighting policy, they never asked the kids to tone it down. Even if they were play fighting they got in trouble. Sounds to me that Cordy’s school could benefit from that policy.
Also…maybe it’s just my computer but when I click to leave a comment the comment window doesn’t open up, I actually have to right click on the leave a comment link to have it open the link in a new window. It has been like that for some time.
As a primary school teacher, I totally empathise! Playing the detective is a normal part of my day and can involve a lot of steps before you get anywhere near a cohesive story. The school I teach at has a “no tackling” rule, since many of our children tend to use their break times to play with sports equipment, but it generally covers any contact whatsoever because we consider it a valuable preventative measure. What so often starts of as “just fun” can soon escalate and lead to behaviour such as it seems Cordy has experienced. Since her teacher seems invested in her well-being at school, enough to drop you emails, I am sure they will be vigilant. Any added information you can provide will always be useful however as teachers have to deal with a whole class of potential issues and children are sometimes more comfortable speaking with their parents in any case, especially if something is bothering them.
The only thing I would caution is being too quick to use “bullying” to describe the behaviour. There is a general misconception that any anti-social behaviour is bullying, which in turn leads to a lack of proper definition, if you like, of the very serious behaviours that are specifically targeted and ongoing over a long period. Bullying is behaviour with history. It is repetitive, often premeditated and hugely damaging. Teaching our children to refer to all their problems as “bullying” doesn’t properly arm them to identify the real thing if it should ever happen to them.
That being said, however, if Cordy believes this isn’t the first time she’s been singled out then making the school aware of it was the right thing to do. I’m sure it isn’t the last time you’ll have to play detective but I think you did a great job of handling it!
N’s 2nd quarter of kindergarten we encountered the same kind of thing. I think kids end up needing to work that out socially no matter how well we prepare them individually. I’ve been blessed in finding our year round school who has a focus on community culture from day 1, which includes a very thorough anti bullying program. One of their truths is that they don’t only teach it, they live it and breathe it. Integration of all.
Having to play detective also was hard for me and it continues. I have to be careful not to overreact d/t my lengthy background as a victim of peer bullying. The principal and teachers respond quickly and take all matters seriously which helps greatly. I was ostracized and bullied from the time I was about 8 until I was about 16. I once asked one of my classmates in 5th grade why no one liked me, her answer was that I was “too smart”. At that point I declined into a 2 year depression, because how could I not be smart? I could sooner not breathe than not be smart. I was gifted but never had much for social skills, I was not “cute” or “pretty” and I refused to play dumb, I just couldn’t do it. Luckilly by the time I was in 7th grade I met a new girl who taught me pride, self respect and the ability to stand up for myself. It took many more years, but I got there. In the mean time I was verbally, physically and sexually harrassed on a daily basis at school. Adults ignored it, told me it was my own fault or had the attitude of “kids will be kids”. I am so grateful that bullying is now being recognized as something that is not normal and should not be tolerated. The beginning of this societal change is just in time to help my exceptional child. And we will continue to be vigilent protective detectives for our children.