A Mommy Story

Some days, being a parent is more like being a detective. Trying to find the truth between wildly different accounts of a situation can take a lot of time and effort, and in the end you’re still not sure if you know what really happened.

Last week was one of those situations.

It started on Thursday around 1pm when I was jolted awake by my cell phone. Since I work nights, I ask that no one call my cell during the day unless one of my children is hurt or I just won a million dollars. I answered the call and Cordy’s school nurse was on the other end. She said that Cordy had been knocked down by accident during recess and had a scratch on her arm, but it wasn’t bad. Cordy had been pretty upset about it, though, so they let her spend some time in the nurse’s office before sending her back to class.

I didn’t understand why a small scratch on her arm warranted a call home, but whatever. I went back to sleep quickly.

When Cordy came home that day, she wanted some computer time right when she walked in the door. As I sat with her at the computer, I asked to see the scratch on her arm – there was barely a mark there. But I noticed she was talking oddly, without moving her upper lip. A closer look revealed that her upper lip was split in the middle and swollen. The school nurse didn’t mention this?

I asked her what happened to her lip, and she didn’t want to tell me at first. But then the story came out: two boys came up to her in the field at recess and knocked her down. One sat on her while the other threw a kickball in her face. She said they both laughed at her and called her “weird” and that they’ve thrown things at her before.

I made her repeat the story to me several times that night. Unlike when she makes up stories, the details didn’t change and there were more details than she usually tells. She gave us their names. She told us she was afraid of them. And she insisted they called her weird and laughed at her.

You can imagine how furious I was. Just as I sat down to write an email to her teachers, an email arrived from her special needs teacher. In giving us the details of Cordy’s day, she mentioned the incident, although the details were different. She said Cordy claimed she was hit and was very upset, but the recess teachers saw it and it appeared to be an accident. There was no mention of the split lip, only the scratch on her arm.

I replied to her email and gave her Cordy’s version of the story. I said I couldn’t understand how accidentally knocking someone down could result in a split lip, or why Cordy would claim they laughed at her at called her weird. I mentioned that this sounded to me like bullying and I wanted it looked into further.

The response I received the next day provided an even more detailed view of the incident. Her teacher said that a group of kids – including Cordy – had been involved in a lot of play fighting during the week and it had become more rough each day. The teachers had told them to tone it down. Other kids had complained that Cordy was hitting them with her coat. Cordy’s teacher said she spoke with the boys and believes the play fighting may have accidentally become too real.

And then she said that she also spoke to Cordy and advised her to play around the playground equipment and not with the kids out in the field.

So now I’m left to piece all of it together. I believe the adults – Cordy was probably play fighting. I asked her about hitting other kids with her coat, and she said she did it only because they were doing it to her first. I’m not so blinded by love for my kid that I’m unwilling to admit she’d ever do anything wrong. We had a discussion about why it’s not OK to hurt someone just because they hurt you first, and I expect her to apologize to the kids she swung her coat at.

But I also believe what happened to Cordy was real. I don’t think she was knocked down on accident, and whether it was play fighting or not, she still ended up with a split lip and deserves at least an apology from those boys. I also believe that they called her weird and laughed at her. There’s no reason for her to make up something like that. Whether they were saying it “in pretend” or not, it’s still hurtful and should never be said to someone. Getting away with it now could lead to them thinking it’s OK in the future. I don’t want to aide a child on his first step towards becoming a bully.

So where’s the truth? It’s somewhere in between, but the more information I’m given, the more confused I become. I like Cordy’s teachers and her school, and want to believe them, but I also want to believe my daughter. Her part in the rough play at recess has been dealt with by us. But if she feels like she’s being bullied, it needs to be addressed. (And why didn’t anyone notice her swollen, cracked-open upper lip?) I hope there are programs in place to address bullying and the importance of accepting differences, and if not there need to be, even at the first grade level.

I was bullied as a kid for being different. I know how painful it is to feel like you can’t be yourself without someone ridiculing you, but even if you try to be someone else you still can’t ever fit in. Any self-esteem I had when I started elementary school was slowly shredded to pieces by junior high. Even things I should have been proud of – like being academically gifted – were marks of shame to hide once the bullies had their way with me. I never want Cordy to suffer what I went through.

Cordy is gradually coming to the understanding that she’s different. We’re gently introducing the topic of autism to her, framing it in a way to highlight the positive differences as well as the areas she struggles with that other kids may find easy. She still isn’t self-aware enough yet to completely get it, but hopefully the self-esteem building is getting through to her if nothing else is.

We are also teaching her that there are lots of other ways to be different, too. Some kids are great at sports, others can’t use their legs and require a wheelchair, and some kids just look very different from their classmates. All of these things make them different, but just as valuable and loved as any other kid. But hate, prejudice, and discrimination are not differences to value, and should never be tolerated.

For now I plan to keep an open communication with Cordy about this topic, making sure that no one else is calling her names and that she feels safe in her class. I’m sure we’ll discuss it more at the upcoming parent-teacher conferences as well.

Sigh…and people said the baby years were hard. Ha ha ha. Playing the role of Detective Mom has me in far more unpleasant situations than ever faced by even the worst blow-out diaper.